Existential Crisis 101
Dec. 5th, 2013 07:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodsong1So I'm still plugging away at Urban Fantasy as the Muse allows and I got a great scene idea on Tuesday morning waiting for RBD to wake up. (For those who haven't heard, RBD's mother passed away over the weekend. I dropped everything to be there Monday for the memorial service and to do my bit of sitting shiva (sp?) for her on Tuesday. Thank the gods for understanding supervisors!!) Once I got home Tuesday night, I wrote up the scene and did some more tweaking.
Last night I'm cuddling with SLB and he asks me who Miranda is.
...
Miranda is the name of Urban Fantasy's protagonist.
Then he asks me what an existential crisis feels like.
...
Miranda is going through a series of traumatic events that results in a serious case of identity confusion with large helpings of PTSD.
Then he asks me again what it feels like. "Shock" is not enough. "Numb" is not enough.
So I thought about it and told him exactly how I felt the day Wolf died, from what I could remember.
I'll be honest, LJ Land, I'm missing chunks of that day, and in fact, most of that WEEK. There are certain things that remain crystal clear; walking into ICU and seeing the still blue face, sitting in Looooo's house on her couch listening to the sisters arrange appointments with the funeral home while cradling a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee, sitting on my own couch that night wanting to just...stop...crying, hugging Doc K and telling him I've cried enough for both of us, RBD arriving with a cauldron of soup, the phone call from my parents saying they'd be in town for a week, my subsequent reaction of "Oh gods, why? Three days is all I can take of Maternal Unit!", etcetera. There's more, but you get my point. The rest of it is just a blur of numbness and struggling to put my little family's life into Our New Routine so it won't be New for very long.
It's funny, really. I told RBD when I left Tuesday to take a week for herself and do nothing but grieve for her mother and THEN go deal with all the legal and practical and nitpicky STUFF one must do. I didn't allow myself that. The sisters helped, my friends helped, hells, even my parents helped, but I didn't get seven full days to do NOTHING but grieve. I was back to work less then two weeks later and that was because I had already booked a four day weekend for ComiCon, which I didn't go to obviously, and the shop's bereavement policy only allowed 24 paid hours, so my 7 days were broken up into chunks and I wasn't grieving, I was running around Getting Things Done.
SLB talks a lot about how I "missed out" on my 20s because I was busy being a mother and wife instead of being a single girl learning who she really was. He also gives vocal credence to MY life experiences, but the incident last night seemed to drive home how MUCH life experience I have. He called me brave and strong, to which I shrugged. People have been calling me that for over three years now. I only sort-of believe it. Although I did impress one of the business office ladies yesterday being able to heft a water cooler bottle myself. She had a good 30 pounds on me. (^_^)
So, yeah. I suppose it could be said that I "lost" opportunities a decade ago. I didn't do the weekend benders, the crazy rock concerts, the 2 am D&D sessions, the all night cramming, or lived with a bunch of people my own age. I didn't WANT to. I was too busy being a mother and a wife. Now I'm 35, widowed and have an opening into the things I DID want to do. 2 am D&D sessions, hanging out in a bar for four hours with friends, going to a lake house in the summer. I'm grateful to SLB for showing me the door and I've pretty much danced through it. HOWEVER! I have not forgotten who MY friends are. Yes, most of them are over 40 and don't have the time, money or energy to do what the younger set does. It's still valuable experiences and being able to hug someone who's crying over a loss and say "I understand" and MEAN IT. Because I DO.
Last night I'm cuddling with SLB and he asks me who Miranda is.
...
Miranda is the name of Urban Fantasy's protagonist.
Then he asks me what an existential crisis feels like.
...
Miranda is going through a series of traumatic events that results in a serious case of identity confusion with large helpings of PTSD.
Then he asks me again what it feels like. "Shock" is not enough. "Numb" is not enough.
So I thought about it and told him exactly how I felt the day Wolf died, from what I could remember.
I'll be honest, LJ Land, I'm missing chunks of that day, and in fact, most of that WEEK. There are certain things that remain crystal clear; walking into ICU and seeing the still blue face, sitting in Looooo's house on her couch listening to the sisters arrange appointments with the funeral home while cradling a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee, sitting on my own couch that night wanting to just...stop...crying, hugging Doc K and telling him I've cried enough for both of us, RBD arriving with a cauldron of soup, the phone call from my parents saying they'd be in town for a week, my subsequent reaction of "Oh gods, why? Three days is all I can take of Maternal Unit!", etcetera. There's more, but you get my point. The rest of it is just a blur of numbness and struggling to put my little family's life into Our New Routine so it won't be New for very long.
It's funny, really. I told RBD when I left Tuesday to take a week for herself and do nothing but grieve for her mother and THEN go deal with all the legal and practical and nitpicky STUFF one must do. I didn't allow myself that. The sisters helped, my friends helped, hells, even my parents helped, but I didn't get seven full days to do NOTHING but grieve. I was back to work less then two weeks later and that was because I had already booked a four day weekend for ComiCon, which I didn't go to obviously, and the shop's bereavement policy only allowed 24 paid hours, so my 7 days were broken up into chunks and I wasn't grieving, I was running around Getting Things Done.
SLB talks a lot about how I "missed out" on my 20s because I was busy being a mother and wife instead of being a single girl learning who she really was. He also gives vocal credence to MY life experiences, but the incident last night seemed to drive home how MUCH life experience I have. He called me brave and strong, to which I shrugged. People have been calling me that for over three years now. I only sort-of believe it. Although I did impress one of the business office ladies yesterday being able to heft a water cooler bottle myself. She had a good 30 pounds on me. (^_^)
So, yeah. I suppose it could be said that I "lost" opportunities a decade ago. I didn't do the weekend benders, the crazy rock concerts, the 2 am D&D sessions, the all night cramming, or lived with a bunch of people my own age. I didn't WANT to. I was too busy being a mother and a wife. Now I'm 35, widowed and have an opening into the things I DID want to do. 2 am D&D sessions, hanging out in a bar for four hours with friends, going to a lake house in the summer. I'm grateful to SLB for showing me the door and I've pretty much danced through it. HOWEVER! I have not forgotten who MY friends are. Yes, most of them are over 40 and don't have the time, money or energy to do what the younger set does. It's still valuable experiences and being able to hug someone who's crying over a loss and say "I understand" and MEAN IT. Because I DO.
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Date: 2013-12-06 01:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-06 03:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-06 12:01 pm (UTC)I had a different view from growing up by NYC and with the two economic bubbles during my 20's. Similar trope different concept.