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Post Partum Depression
Apr. 13th, 2007 02:05 pmStrikes me hard and fast. Feelings of inadequacy due to having a newborn and a sick grade schooler to take care of, compounded by my own body slowly healing from major surgery, magnified by erratic sleep patterns due to said newborn, enhanced by not wanting to disturb anyone in the household, especially Wolf and finally brought to a head yesterday at the doctor's office, when we learned Becca lost an ounce over two days and I was told "Put her on formula" in no uncertain terms. Dr. M was kind about it, Dr. C was blunt. Both recommended alternating breastmilk with formula, either by nursing or pumped into a bottle.
All of this leads to some serious anger, expressing itself with bouts of tears. I'm fighting another round while typing this. My appetite has plummeted due to the stress, which I know is degrading my milk, which fuels the inadequacy and the vicious cycle begins. I'm starting to regret having Becca, this little stranger next to my bed. All the joy and excitement of having her is gone and I'm left feeling like a machine, drudging myself out until there's nothing left but this weepy, exhausted shell.
EDIT:
A nap and expressing myself to Wolf has helped. So has watching Becca eat. I'm pumping out just over an ounce or about 32 ccs, which she takes easier from a bottle then my breast. She's supposed to be eating 48 ccs a feeding. This would explain it. 15 ccs is a lot for a preemie to be missing. Other positive news, Wolf got a better job. He starts a week from Monday. It's closer, better pay and better management. Whoot.
I'm still depressed, obviously one positive day is not going to cure this. I forgot to mention that I'm also feeling overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done, from mailing out copies of birth certificates and state tax information, to trying to remember to call for that bloody JC appointment, to looking at our room going to pot due to dirty clothes and just wanting to scream.
I need a maid or something.
All of this leads to some serious anger, expressing itself with bouts of tears. I'm fighting another round while typing this. My appetite has plummeted due to the stress, which I know is degrading my milk, which fuels the inadequacy and the vicious cycle begins. I'm starting to regret having Becca, this little stranger next to my bed. All the joy and excitement of having her is gone and I'm left feeling like a machine, drudging myself out until there's nothing left but this weepy, exhausted shell.
EDIT:
A nap and expressing myself to Wolf has helped. So has watching Becca eat. I'm pumping out just over an ounce or about 32 ccs, which she takes easier from a bottle then my breast. She's supposed to be eating 48 ccs a feeding. This would explain it. 15 ccs is a lot for a preemie to be missing. Other positive news, Wolf got a better job. He starts a week from Monday. It's closer, better pay and better management. Whoot.
I'm still depressed, obviously one positive day is not going to cure this. I forgot to mention that I'm also feeling overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done, from mailing out copies of birth certificates and state tax information, to trying to remember to call for that bloody JC appointment, to looking at our room going to pot due to dirty clothes and just wanting to scream.
I need a maid or something.
