She finally succumbed.

( Conversations with Self )

Yes, it was a lovely Imbolc. I made it through Ritual without bawling, cuddled with Polar Bear and Nightfall, got All The Hugs and I have an outline for the wedding itself. Crying did occur, but much later and was followed by hot tub, which helped.

Then my period started. Never let it be said my tribe's rituals aren't Powerful.

Today was kind of rough. I'm advising a girl in the call center about doing a cheap wedding and I realized today that Wolf and I would have been married 12 years last month. Ouch.

I didn't trigger a Beautiful Breakdown, but I was sad and vulnerable and cold (my office thermostat may SAY 70 degrees, but there's no way it IS. 65, tops), so this afternoon I took a break and headed to the Chapel.

Now, I have an agreement with the White God. I only go to his buildings when I'm invited for a ceremony and I don't take communion because that would be wrong. However, I've been curious about the chapel at the hospital and didn't want to be rude by inviting one of the Other Gods, so I went in and leaned against the door, looked around and said "Hi, just curious. This is a nice place." I proceeded to have a very nice conversation with the White God; no, I'm not coming back, all Paths are valid, it's not YOUR fault your followers can be...over exuberant. Then an Asian woman came in, smiled at me and sat in the last pew.

"And now I'm leaving," I mouthed and saluted the chapel Buddhist style. Then I looked at the woman. She was leaning her head on her hand and her posture screamed "Sad and Stressed".

She needs comfort. I will offer it. I thought and walked over. I squeezed her right shoulder with my right hand. She looked up, eyes bright and whispered "Yes?" I squeezed her shoulder again, not speaking, only smiling gently. "Thank you," she whispered. I nodded and left. In the hallway, I leaned against a window and stated that while I can be a vessel for Grace, I'm not HIS vessel.

A few minutes later, the woman came out, walked past me, came back. I turned as she approached.

"Was it you who touched me?" She asked. I nodded. "Thank you so much! You made me feel good!" I put my palms together and bowed. She smiled, thanked me again and left. I didn't say a word to her.

I went back to work feeling much better myself. Call it God or call it Kwan Yin (Guanyin), we both needed a little Grace and Comfort and I gained it while giving it to her. And isn't that what we're supposed to be doing anyway?

I had a Realization yesterday. I realized I have been afraid of my power, as a woman and as a Witch, for most of my life. Let me tell you a story.

When I was in college, I went to the local New Age fair held every year in a haunted theater. Maternal Unit was HORRIFIED that I was exposing myself to "the Devil's Work" and prayed for me all day, along with some aunts. Allegedly. Anyway, there was a clothing vendor there, selling the usual tie dye/batik print/hand dyed/one size fits all dresses one usually finds at such things.

Now, I was already crawling into my then boyfriend (the Ex)'s back pocket because of the ghost. It was not a nice ghost and it GLARED AT ME. The Whole Time. So when I tried on a dress in my favorite colors (purple, green & blue), came out to check myself in the mirror, I got a helluva shock. I saw the future. I saw a strong, confident, wise woman who stared back at me and smiled slightly, knowingly, as if to say, "Yes, little one, this is where you'll be".

I could not get that dress off fast enough. I was TERRIFIED of the stranger in the mirror. I wasn't strong, confident or wise! I could never be THAT!

I was...19-20 when that happened. Now, at 36, I realize the vision in the mirror has come to pass. I am strong. I am gaining my confidence. I'm learning about wisdom and how to use it. Part of this stems directly from breaking up w/SLB. I put my foot down and said, "No. I cannot do this anymore. I need to be alone. I will not fulfill my True Blue self with you here." The rest of it is finally realizing, at 36, twice married, once divorced, once widowed & with two children, that I have this power, I've always had this power and it's about damned time I've used it. When it comes to office skills and gaming skills and such,I'm a quick study, but when it comes to me, yeah. I'm a little slow. Still. It's happening, I'm GLAD it's happening and I'm looking forward to the future. I might not get that Earthship done in the next five years, but I CAN get it done. Even while wearing marquis cut diamond earrings, which I have EARNED and will be buying for myself for my birthday.

Yes, Chezzie I know you have people who can get me diamond earrings, but can they get me marquis cut diamond studs roughly 1/2 carat total weight and near colorless?

actually got some work done today! After I had picked up SLB, bought groceries and came home, I decided there was enough daylight and no imminent rain, so I finished digging the border trench. I also transplanted two hostas, they will help fill the bed out nicely if the bulbs don't sprout. We've had some good rain, but I have not made sure they were watered every day and now I'm not entirely sure where they are. Ah well. I'm sure they'll be fine and if not this year, we'll be pleasantly surprised next year. Now to make sure I have enough bottles to finish. I'm pretty sure I do...

Cuteness has lamented the loss of the daffodils.

SLB has been working in the back yard! So far he's dug up the semi-buried paving stone path and excavated a square of patio bricks that runs the width of the yard and about a third of the length. We have decided to repurpose the bricks into raising the biggest bed and if there's enough left, border the bed against the wooden fence. I gave him permission to excavate the big bed, as long as he saved any bulbs he found for transplanting. Between the bags of potting soil and the compost we have, there should be enough fill dirt to lift the bed about six inches. My only concern is the drain spout. We might just cut the bed off beside the spout and leave that section for grass. Or maybe a small bush.

In other Witchy news, I'm still reading "Natural Witchery". Her advice on color work in clothing was intriguing. Her shield spell is similar to mine in execution, but while she uses blue light or blue mist bubbling up from a cauldron, I use a silver mirror, like an un-faceted disco ball. I have also discovered Lord Dhanvantari, the Hindu Celestial Physician & god of healing. I found a stunning picture of him rising from the churned milk seas as the fourth incarnation of Vishnu. It is now my laptop wallpaper and I can feel the power behind it. Okay, I may be projecting, but I still want to get it printed and framed and hung somewhere in my bedroom. And I had a transcending bath tonight where I saw perfect balance in a drop of water on my right ring fingernail.

It's good to be a Witch.

Simple Abundance also preaches the joy of spontaneity. Ride the elephant was the example. I have done this twice now in two days and I'm very pleased with myself.

Friday I dropped SLB off downtown and drove past Imagicka, the local pagan shop. "I really need to go back and check out that new space, but parking in downtown can be such a pain," I said going into the one traffic circle. When I exited the circle, there was a parking spot!

"Right! Ride the elephant!" I declared and pulled in. I still suck at parallel parking. I walked back, about half a block, and popped in. It's just as wonderful as the old location, but bigger and brighter and they always use such wonderful incense. I picked up "Natural Witchery" by the same author who wrote "Cottage Witchery", plus the charcoal disks for my lamp burner, sandalwood stick for the Buddha (no, not the one in Ithaca. My Buddha in my house) and honey amber resin. I chatted with the lady manning the store and was told the Greek restaurant next door was really good.

She was right! I got the mix-n-match platter with falafel.

More later.

It's Later!

Despina's Mediterranean Taste is the name. The platter was the same price as the paninis, which is why I went with the platter. I included dolmades, hummus & tzitzki (spelling? *shrug*) and it was a perfect meal for $8. I went home, devoured my lunch and chilled until it was time to pick up Cuteness.

Today had several events. I took a full bath this morning with my new "beauty" salts from Japan. I am addicted to Japanese bath salts, they are amazing. These turned the water milky and smelled like woodsy citrus. I tuned into myself and fell in love with my body. It's not perfect, but it's beautiful, it's a Temple and I love it. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! I realized I had made a ritual and was deeply moved. I need rituals in my life that are positive and self nurturing. Bathing during the day with classical or meditative music and Japanese bath salts is a good one.

After that, I ran errands. I spontaneously pulled into the Best Buy, as it has been made VERY CLEAR I need an e reader. Not only did they have a Nook backlit like the Kindle Paperweight, it was $30!! Apparently the Nook is going the way of the beta video player, but as it reads epub and .pdf files, it works for me. I now have Nine Goblins! I now have the D&D manuals I need for my characters! I can now get ALL THE DRESDEN!! I also got the Airport router mentioned in the last post. From Best Buy I headed over to Lowe's for a desperately needed proper shovel, gardening gloves and I found lavender! I then headed up and over to Vestal Highway Department and got more mulch. They had manure there too, whoo boy. I ended my errands buying ingredients for Pork Loin with Butternut Squash Mash & Tarragon Gravy. It was DELICIOUS.

So while I have spent more money then Simple Abundance talks about, I now have good tools to continue my gardening and my geekery. I am also "tuning in" to the seasons as discussed in Natural Witchery, learning to love myself so I can move forward in personal development and slowly chipping away at writer's blocks.

In other news, Cuteness has been formally tested for autism, results pending, IDK starts his braces next month and if I don't hear back from the other roofers, I'm going with BSR and investing about 6.5 grand into the house. I have also been instructed to apply to a different job to be hired for the call center. It should post early next week, I'm told. We shall see.

Much good time was had.

Reconnected with friends.

Had weird-ass dream about a musical Alice in Wonderland ripoff that was full of traps within tests within traps involving my favorite Nomad as Alucard.

For reference, here is Nomad:



And here's Alucard:



You see how this works, right? Yes, I was sad I had to stick to the script and keep The Baby safe. (Not a Cuteness or an IDK, just The Baby.)

Further thoughts and another installment of Maybe You Should Have Stayed Home when I'm actually rested and not in pain from sleeping on a board cleverly disguised as a mattress for three days.

I missed the message, so I drove in and got to hug a permanent employee goodbye because she's moving to Arizona.

I've been thinking about that cigarette burn on my face. Wolf had said "When you figure out what she wants, you'll be free of the curse." I have no idea what the curse itself is, but I think I have a lead on who "she" is and what she wants.

I did a Golden Mirror meditation this morning before going to sleep. True Blue Me showed up in her normal gray pinstripe suit and red turtleneck (which was changed to a red vneck when I said, "Um, August?"). True Blue then put her elegantly shod feet up on a nice desk, leaned back in an executive desk chair and waved for us to continue the conversation. When I said "It's you, so what do you want?", she took her feet off the desk, leaned forward and took my face in her hands (I was sitting cross-legged on the desk).

"I want a job where I am appreciated and respected for my work. Do you know the last time we had that appreciation and respect? LKQ. SIX YEARS AGO. That is too damn long. I know you'll be happy in a room with the door closed and a stack of files to go through, but we NEED that appreciation and respect. We've EARNED it!"

We then teamed up to sing a Ganesha chant off of Elephant Power (WONDERFUL CD, "Ganesha is Fresh" rocks.) and clap. I almost had a temple vision, but I kept getting distracted with the burning, tingling rush of power from the heart chakra into my arms and fingers. I had to stop so I could actually go to sleep.

Tomorrow I call the temp agency and let them know when school starts and see what we can do.

Sailor Moon Episode 77, which I HAD NOT SEEN!!!

My little "Meeting Your Hero" story about four posts ago.

IT'S THE SAME DAMNED PHOTOGRAPH!!

*twitch twitch twitch*

Until The Universe starts using the heavy duty Clue By Fours to beat me.

So.

V-Day.

Not really a big thing for Wolf and I. We were more of the "hugs and kisses and CHOCOLATE SALE" day after types.

Still.

Today, in the mostly vain attempt to NOT be Indigo, I wore red and put on my Psyche Butterfly necklace. I also went to The Rose Garden for lunch with Loooooooooo.

After lunch, in which she got the whole Clerk story (haha!), I spot a teapot. By "spot", I mean "it might as well have been doing the mamba, it caught me so hard". I head over and check it out. It's clear plastic and filled with salts and flowers and a small wooden spoon. The label gives a description and directions for bath salts. Huzzah! I love bath salts.

Then I look at the OTHER side of the label.

Sea Goddess Tea Bath Salts.

...

I'm standing in the Rose Garden, which is already crammed with Victorian Romance and I'm holding a teapot of bath salts named SEA GODDESS.

I sigh and walk back to Looooo at the counter, shaking my head.

"I swear! She has it in for me!" I exclaim. Loooo laughs, hugs me and assures me everyone just wants me to be happy. The owner, who's a customer of mine, gives me the pot for $12.

This is ON TOP of the pretty costume necklace I found at the same facility Friday that was all marquis cut fake emeralds and crystal studded gold leaves. Another customer said that I looked like I had found a million dollars when I picked it up. The necklace was happy and cheerful and sang of Spring. (with a faint wisp of Pan)

I wore it Saturday.

Yeah.

Then Cuteness knocked two of the fake emeralds out while playing with it Saturday evening.

I CAN'T FIND THOSE STONES.

YES, APHRODITE!! I will call him tomorrow for coffee! Just STOP beating me over the head!!!

You only get so many charges, so don't waste them.

Others say be careful what you wish for.

I say saving a $24k sale for The Boss, whose brother is in intensive care and is still fighting insurance over flood loss, by adding wings to a title in the US mail is worth it.

Potsdam to Endicott in about 28-30 hours. Buffalo to Endicott, 2 full days.

*blows on nails and polishes on blouse*