bloodsong1: (Simple Abundance)
Conversations with Self )

Yes, it was a lovely Imbolc. I made it through Ritual without bawling, cuddled with Polar Bear and Nightfall, got All The Hugs and I have an outline for the wedding itself. Crying did occur, but much later and was followed by hot tub, which helped.

Then my period started. Never let it be said my tribe's rituals aren't Powerful.
bloodsong1: (Simple Abundance)
Conversations with Self )

This is going to be a thing, folks. Wow. Wolf planned our wedding & there were so many compromises on the first one I felt cheated even though I was proud of the money I saved. Either way, I don't have to worry about 3 digits worth of people. If I get sixty I'll be very surprised.
bloodsong1: (Simple Abundance)
This is not the first time I've been asked this question. Up until two years ago, I defined my value by my relationships. Then I lapsed into Indigo with suicidal tendencies. I was asked what my value was at the Annual Gathering and said "I have no value."

1-2 weeks ago, while asking myself WHY I automatically felt sad after doing something praiseworthy or at least pleasurable to me, an old corner of my psyche piped up and said A Woman Without a Man has No Value.

Now that's conditioning bullshit and I know it. This can be traced right back to my mother and aunts. I grew up honestly believing that I had to be a wife and mother to be complete, to have Value. I'm not going back into the nonsense of my early twenties. It made sense at the time, especially when my parents informed me I was NOT allowed to go to Denver for pharmacology school without a husband.

So! Roughly sixteen years, one divorce, two children and one widowing later, what is my Value?

I have no idea.

My first instinct is to default to my relationships, which I've been trying NOT to do for 18 months now. It's hard to quantify my skills as Values. It's harder to quantify my beliefs as Values. Value is arbitrary. Value is Subjective. Value is defined by the person using it.

Gods, I'm SO glad ex SLB is gone. This would devolve into SUCH an argument. (Realizing ex SLB was an excellent way to put my first marriage firmly behind me was another Oh RLY? moment last week)

I am Valuable because I...

because I...

love?

Hum. I suppose, but not quite.

I believe it's time to revisit Simple Abundance. This sounds like a job for "Mining Your Acre of Diamonds".
bloodsong1: (Jareth)
Ursula of KUEC, Hugo Award Winning Digger and all around awesome artist/author/decent human being mentioned once in KUEC of her Decor Theory. This theory states that children imprint their Decor Style (how they want to decorate their living spaces) between the ages of 7-9. Urusla was in Arizona at the time and firmly believes skulls are necessary accessories.

I was in CO, my parents may or may not have replaced the ugly orange and black plaid living room set with all the wood I had to dust once a week, and I was reading Little House on the Prairie, The Little Princess and The Secret Garden.

My decor DEFINITELY runs towards floral patterns (but not toile. Oh gods, not toile. *shudder*), soft colors (not pastels. Oh gods, not pastels *shudder*) and "Good to Snuggle Up In". The Element Themed House seems to have died with Wolf, although I clung to it for the last three years. Fortunately, cheerful yellow fits BOTH schemes.

This is the good I'm getting out of these silly wish fulfillment grieving stories. I'm ignoring all the voices inside my head EXCEPT True Blue and Aurora.

One of these days I will be able to afford the $7k custom made canopy bed made of intertwined saplings. And I will get it in rosewood finish, because silver makes it Snow Queen territory and unlike Elsa, the cold bothers me TREMENDOUSLY.
bloodsong1: (Simple Abundance)
Today was the first day I can consciously remember being glad to be alive. I was sitting in the back yard of the lake house, cross stitching away (I've finished a bird and a flower!) while IDK and the boys played Magic inside and Cuteness roamed the banks chasing fishies and throwing rocks. I stopped, looked up at the broccoli hills (I swear the hills in summer look like broccoli crowns) and announced "I am Glad to be Alive". It was a warm fuzzy feeling.

This is the second step in cultivating and courting Hope into my Secret Garden. The first was naming my new car Asa (pr: Asha), which is Hindi for hope. I will continue to take a moment or two once a day to look around and repeat my new mantra.

In other news, the Earthship idea is becoming stronger and stronger. I haven't heard back from the earthship folks out in Taos, NM re: minimum/maximum N-S dimensions. The website (www.earthship.com, ironically enough) has lots of plans for sale but not a lot of hard blueprints or even general dimensions available online. This is understandable, it's how they make half their money. I'm currently working through the archives of the Freeville Earthship, which is outside of Ithaca, (freevilleearthship.blogspot.com). There's proof it can be done! The question is, can it be done on my postage stamp property and where would we live in the meantime? I've pointed out we can move back in with Mama A or even the apartment/second floor of Anny's house and SLB shot me down. It would be difficult, as the current house & garage would have to be razed, whatever scavenged materials would have to be stored as well as hunting down all the tires, bottles and cans needed. The Freeville couple bought an old farm with a usable barn. I do know a plot of land for sale, but it's essentially a gorge. Earthships can be built into hills, but getting up to the road, or downstream to the road, would be an interesting challenge. I suspect our neighbors would complain at the least and may file lawsuits against us at worst. I can't afford to buy land right now. A long term goal to work towards. I WANT this to happen. I'm currently suppressing the need to forage for every can and bottle I can find because we're trying to CLEAR OUT the garage, not add more too it! Although I may set aside the leftover wine bottles from the bottle border. They would need to be cut, cleaned & taped into "bottle bricks", but that would be a fun project to work on now so as to save time and effort later. Hmmm.
bloodsong1: (Jareth)
Updated my counselor on all that's gone on in the last few weeks and what's coming up, namely two weddings.

*headdesk*

I don't hate weddings, per se, but I find them trials of emotional fortitude and shield strength, as I hurt on the inside and keep my shields up on the outside so I don't break down into a screaming, sobbing heap in a corner. So far I have succeeded in avoiding the heap in a corner, but there's been lots of sobbing and a bit of screaming and several walk aways to avoid becoming a spectacle while sobbing and screaming. SLB DOES NOT GET IT.

"So why not try looking at these things differently? Have you ever looked around and said 'Gee, I'm glad I'm here'?" asketh the counselor.

"Nay," sayeth I.

I can't think of a time since Wolf's death where I've been GLAD to be alive. I can't say for certain I've been HAPPY to be alive. I'm glad I have SLB. I'm glad I have my job. My kids are Big Loving Responsibilities. But none of these things turn into "glad I'm still on this plane of existence". I can be content, possibly satisfied, but not glad. Not happy. Not for myself because of myself. I've stopped defining myself by my relationships, which has left an overgrown, blackened, raggedy Secret Garden of Self I'm currently working on.

Still, perception is the key, because us humans live and die by our perceptions, what we think the world is like from our window eyeballs and the complex construct behind them. Perceptions can and should change as needed. I need a perception change. I will work on this. I will start taking a few moments every day to stop, look around and say "I'm glad I'm here" and see what happens.
bloodsong1: (Interesting)
This is a very interesting situation, LJ-Land. Very interesting indeed. Am I really that shallow? Do I honestly not think that much about anything? Or is it that what I DO think about is all very personal, because I'm trying to grok myself, and the subjects that keep coming up are subjects I'm not interested in? Or is it that I'm also brain damaged, like my mother? Or is it part and parcel of my grief, in that I'm afraid to think about anything too much, because if I do I'll start to care and then it will be taken away from me? Or is it my lack of ability to keep up with friends and loved ones who spend hours and hours educating themselves because I write and crochet instead? Or is it all of those things? Or is it none of those things?

I wonder...

Wondering has made me cranky.

I managed to get things settled with SLB. He was trying to save me time by correcting me about "What is good about Rurouni Kenshin?". I got upset over him correcting me because I was thinking about what made the series good to ME, which is where my mind goes when someone uses "good" as a defining adjective in a question. If he had given me the time to finish thinking, there wouldn't have been an argument. If I thought faster or differently, there wouldn't have been an argument. I didn't have a snap answer. I rarely have a snap answer to "What is good about..." I go for opinion first and technical details second. He wants technical details only because that's how HE thinks. Give him the facts, ma'am, that's all he wants. Just the facts, unbiased by any opinion.

SLB and Zahde are both right in one aspect. I DON'T like having to explain myself and I REALLY DON'T like being told my opinion is not an answer, so stop giving opinions when the other person wants facts. I see the Universe very subjectively. I will agree on basic facts: Gravity works, the Universe is really, really big and evolution is the best working model for how the natural world came to be. Ask me anything that has personal impact; politics, art, sociology and I'm going to be subjective. There's a lot I don't know. There's a lot I don't give a damn about. There's a lot I want to talk about but I've been intimidated by other people. There's a lot I want to talk about that no one else gives a damn about. There's a lot I've tried to talk about and was either ignored or talked over.

I have essentially given up on a lot of subjects and not bothered thinking deeply about them because it was safer. My ex husband and that ex boss are directly involved with this, as is my mother. They would demand answers to questions and then refuse to accept my answers. This is very intimidating and frustrating. If they don't want the answer I have, why do they keep asking? Do they think my answer will change if they keep harping on it? Do they want me to lie? WHAT DO THEY WANT?!? I was afraid and angry at all of them for this. Standing up to them made it worse. Being honest made it worse. I could not win, so why bother?

Since Wolf's death I've grown more backbone. I stand up to SLB when he demands answers, ride out the inevitable fight and storm away instead of flinching and cowering. However, my point of view hasn't changed all that much. Why should I bother when he won't accept my answers? He keeps saying he's trying to make me a better person, to think more deeply and learn to differentiate between fact and opinion. Why? All I have are my opinions, based on my experiences. That's all HE has, why are mine not good enough? How do his opinions become "facts" but mine stay opinions? If we both agree assertiveness is usually a good way to handle a situation, how is polite assertiveness "worse" then blunt, rude assertiveness? Why should we have the EXACT SAME perspective/observations/whathaveyou when we're so different to begin with?

Zahde is much kinder about this. She gives me the time to think more deeply when my answers don't satisfy her and if we start getting into an argument, she respects my request to stop so I don't get overemotional. This way we avoid fights but we don't satisfy her need for debate. I cannot debate. This also stems, I feel, from safety. Raised voices = anger = threat = unsafe. Correction = lack of respect = threat = unsafe. "You're wrong" = judgement = threat = unsafe. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP THIS!!!

Now I'm tired and nauseated from the adrenaline rushes and cranky and I do not feel I've accomplished much at all. I've explained this to both of them more then once and yet it keeps coming back. I'm going to go cry for a while, and then play something and listen to KUEC and drink tea. And maybe eat some chocolate if my tummy settles down.

Squee!

Apr. 26th, 2014 05:49 pm
bloodsong1: (Lilly/Guyth)
Simple Abundance also preaches the joy of spontaneity. Ride the elephant was the example. I have done this twice now in two days and I'm very pleased with myself.

Friday I dropped SLB off downtown and drove past Imagicka, the local pagan shop. "I really need to go back and check out that new space, but parking in downtown can be such a pain," I said going into the one traffic circle. When I exited the circle, there was a parking spot!

"Right! Ride the elephant!" I declared and pulled in. I still suck at parallel parking. I walked back, about half a block, and popped in. It's just as wonderful as the old location, but bigger and brighter and they always use such wonderful incense. I picked up "Natural Witchery" by the same author who wrote "Cottage Witchery", plus the charcoal disks for my lamp burner, sandalwood stick for the Buddha (no, not the one in Ithaca. My Buddha in my house) and honey amber resin. I chatted with the lady manning the store and was told the Greek restaurant next door was really good.

She was right! I got the mix-n-match platter with falafel.

More later.

It's Later!

Despina's Mediterranean Taste is the name. The platter was the same price as the paninis, which is why I went with the platter. I included dolmades, hummus & tzitzki (spelling? *shrug*) and it was a perfect meal for $8. I went home, devoured my lunch and chilled until it was time to pick up Cuteness.

Today had several events. I took a full bath this morning with my new "beauty" salts from Japan. I am addicted to Japanese bath salts, they are amazing. These turned the water milky and smelled like woodsy citrus. I tuned into myself and fell in love with my body. It's not perfect, but it's beautiful, it's a Temple and I love it. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! I realized I had made a ritual and was deeply moved. I need rituals in my life that are positive and self nurturing. Bathing during the day with classical or meditative music and Japanese bath salts is a good one.

After that, I ran errands. I spontaneously pulled into the Best Buy, as it has been made VERY CLEAR I need an e reader. Not only did they have a Nook backlit like the Kindle Paperweight, it was $30!! Apparently the Nook is going the way of the beta video player, but as it reads epub and .pdf files, it works for me. I now have Nine Goblins! I now have the D&D manuals I need for my characters! I can now get ALL THE DRESDEN!! I also got the Airport router mentioned in the last post. From Best Buy I headed over to Lowe's for a desperately needed proper shovel, gardening gloves and I found lavender! I then headed up and over to Vestal Highway Department and got more mulch. They had manure there too, whoo boy. I ended my errands buying ingredients for Pork Loin with Butternut Squash Mash & Tarragon Gravy. It was DELICIOUS.

So while I have spent more money then Simple Abundance talks about, I now have good tools to continue my gardening and my geekery. I am also "tuning in" to the seasons as discussed in Natural Witchery, learning to love myself so I can move forward in personal development and slowly chipping away at writer's blocks.

In other news, Cuteness has been formally tested for autism, results pending, IDK starts his braces next month and if I don't hear back from the other roofers, I'm going with BSR and investing about 6.5 grand into the house. I have also been instructed to apply to a different job to be hired for the call center. It should post early next week, I'm told. We shall see.
bloodsong1: (Simple Abundance)
Simple Abundance encourages mental perambulations down Roads Not Traveled in the search for Authenticity. This is right up there with the "Who do you admire?" question, as I have very few Roads. I'm in the medical field now, which suits me to a T. I have seen the pharmacy nightmares on provider and patient sides and am VERY GLAD I didn't take that Road in my twenties. Oh dear gods, the headaches.

The main Road was serving in the military. I wanted to be in the Air Force and start a family tradition. That didn't come to pass because of my irregular heart rate as a child, which I had outgrown by 18 years old, and my Renaud's syndrome, which I still have. I also wanted to be in the Navy and serve on a sub. Blame "Hunt for Red October". I found out in high school women aren't allowed on subs. I'm not sure if that's changed. I did go to the Navy when the Air Force rejected me and was told "If this isn't a lifelong dream for you, since the AIR FORCE said no, those lazy bastards, I wouldn't bother." Well, serving on a sub WASN'T a lifelong dream, so I walked away. I see nothing in that Road to add to myself, except perhaps more self discipline at home. I'm already quite good at following orders and taking charge when required.

The next Road is, well, being a Lady and the wealth to back it up. I'm actively working on this within my budget. I have a Spa Day today, in less then an hour from when I'm writing this. I will return with a full write up, as I'm getting some spiffy new treatments.

The newest Road is a single, childless woman. This takes Imagination, but I feel it is a healthy exercise. It's making me look more closely at myself and what MY desires and wishes are, what *I* find beautiful and wonderful, what *I* have to do to satisfy my psychological and spiritual needs. I've been making notes here and there in the pretty notebook I have in my purse. I decided to take it a step further and create a fictional blog about a single woman who wins a Powerball lottery. It's obviously me and I'm bringing a few friends along for the ride. I'm not going to post this blog, as I don't want to deal with the Internet idiocy. This satisfies my desire to research pretty things and dream vacations and put together an Ideal House. It's forcing me to ignore SLB and my kiddos and answer the questions "What does Queenie..." I've set aside my geek tendencies entirely to see what else I gravitate towards.

I'm currently working on a trip to NYC. She's arriving by bus with a duffel bag, a laptop bag and a purse. She'll be leaving two weeks later in a car with a whole new wardrobe, the suitcases to carry it all and the laptop bag and purse. This is luxury armchair travel at its best and I'm having a BLAST.
bloodsong1: (Jareth)
And if anyone gets THAT reference, I'll be very surprised.

SLB kind of threw down a challenge against my Front Flower Bed Plan, namely, that he didn't expect me to work on it consistently or even more then once a day. I, being a stubborn Witch, decided to Prove Him Wrong.

For the last two days, I've been clearing out the bed. Yesterday was about 20 minutes of general weeding. Today was 15 minutes of shoveling free wood chips into buckets, buying begonia bulbs and about 20 minutes trying to dig out a sapling. I succeeded in digging out the large paving-like stone next to the base, but eventually conceded the ground is really still too hard to properly dig something out, especially with my half assed tools (read: hand trowels and emergency trench shovel). I also managed to break the climbing rose trellis, which was understandably on its last legs to begin with and not properly seated in the ground, par for the course.

My legs and bum have been sore, so I decided after Cuteness came home I would Be Spontaneous and take a hot bath. At 4 in the afternoon. With rose scented fizzies from Japan, as they make the best bath fizzies EVAR.

So I did. With bright afternoon sunlight and classical music playing, I felt like a Lady. A Lady who could then plan a garden party and spend tomorrow puttering around in her richly established rose garden and possibly getting a head start on that herb bed, all dressed in cool, comfy cotton and protected with flowery gear. There would be crystal hanging around to sparkle, lace and wispy fabrics to float in a breeze, and no children to worry about.

Then I remembered I'm a single mom with two kids, it's April so there's not much else I can DO in the garden except keep clearing out the dead and the waste, and there will be no garden parties. My bathroom is not sparkling white with crystal accents. I don't run around in Empire waist dresses and sip juleps in the conservatory. I do not have a cutting garden and my attempts at herb pots have failed in a variety of spectacular ways. Methinks it's the terra cotta pots, which, I discovered while reading a garden book from one of my coworkers, are regular evaporators and should be soaked for hours before being planted in. Oh, and parsley is a freaking SPONGE.

Needless to say, I crashed pretty hard. I'm still fighting the disappointment that my idealized Ladyhood comes in small snatches of time and experience and doesn't carry over. I shoveled wood chips and weeded in a grey hoodie I've commandeered from IDK. My jeans are now a muddy mess and I tracked mud into the house which I shall have to go clean up sometime soon or SLB will have a fit when he comes home tonight or gets up in the morning. He has Strong Opinions about Messes.

I found myself thinking of Princess Diana and what a Lady she was, in every sense of the word, and wondering if she would be a good example to research. Then I thought about doing one of those Middle Class to Ladyhood stories, where a sudden inheritance means packing up and going off to live a New Life, like Wistfull only with more luxury. These thoughts actually made the disappointment WORSE, because all I can do is make it up and live vicariously through a story, a story that is terribly trite. How pathetic is that?!

Now I sit in my English Garden bedroom, smelling ever so faintly of roses and Japanese cherry blossoms and fight Indigo trying to surge in and take the wheel because she found a weakness. I know I can be a Lady without being wealthy. I don't NEED all the trappings, just the right frame of mind, a good wardrobe (with the thrift & consignment stores in town, this is easy and cheap!), my chin up, my smile on and the willingness to live in the moment and enjoy it.

Doesn't mean I don't WANT them. Or at least a good full sized shovel. In the meantime, I'm going to look up the feasibility of burning a stump to death and badger IDK into doing dishes so we can have leftover pasta for dinner.

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