She finally succumbed.

During the spring and summer I can skip taking my Zoloft and not be bothered because the Earth is waking up and growing good things and I can garden and connect and generally Feel Good About Things.

Not so much in the fall. Today was a Sad Day. It started with a heartwarming music video by Rachel Platton (Better Place, find it on Youtube and get the tissues ready) and I have been Sad ever since. Food helped a little, napping helped a little, getting some chores done helped a little, but I still want to cry and I feel exhausted.

It's the Autumn and I slide into Depression much faster without my meds.

Ah well. I don't want to die, so that's an improvement. Just have to remember to take my meds every day.

The Zoloft really does help. No surprise, really, but I'm glad I made the decision. I was much more stable today, which helped with organizational confusion, recognition of my hard work last year and reps still not getting the fact we need permission to take certain steps to make THEIR incentive goals. I wept last night for a while. I did not feel the overwhelming urge to break down in tears today. Huzzah!

Tomorrow is Friday. Sunday is wedding dress shopping with Chezzie, huzzah! Teammate 2's daughter is getting married on Saturday. There have been issues mentioned that I don't have to worry about for My wedding. *smug*

The new migraine meds are working too, huzzah!

Chezzie is giving me most excellent advice, Zahde is keeping IDK entertained and out of my hair and Polar Bear took his "Friday" night to come up and visit. I threw together a potato and mushroom stew with bruschetta topping from Olive Garden, leftover beef broth from cooking mini meatballs this morning and that's it. It tasted very good, I will never be able to recreate this. The bruschetta topping was roma tomatoes and basil and balsamic vinegar and clumps of mozzerella cheese. I might be able to fake it with tomatoes and balsamic vinegar, we shall see.

Indigo is definitely a thing. A coworker is hospitalized, I haven't stabilized on the Zoloft, unless this IS stabilized, in which case I'm in trouble and will need to go back on 50 mgs for an undetermined amount of time. I can distract myself with music and data entry and Top Gear (I own Seasons 1-20!! *SQUEE!*), but once the distraction stops the Indigo comes right back.

My counselor continues to be impressed with my self awareness and openness and creativity and "outside her parameter" thinking. She's curious to see where I go with Marrying Myself. True Blue appears to be All About It. We shall see.

The power cord blew on my laptop last night. I found replacements online for half what Apple wanted to charge me, we shall see if they work. *crosses fingers*

IDK's new phone came in today. I switched the SIM card over but it didn't copy over his contacts, music or games. I informed him he was NOT to download everything again, I don't want to pay for it. Before anyone asks, he doesn't have a smartphone, so there's no cloud he has access to and my computer won't talk to his phone. We tried.

Cuteness pitched a fit when I informed her she wasn't getting video games tonight. She has an appointment tomorrow with her ENT (Ear Nose & Throat). I'm expecting a date for ear tubes and possible tonsillectomy. Hopefully it will be before or after our vacation.

I have more questions about the vacation. Must find answers. gynah! *claws face*

I need to stop reading Dresden. He is not helping my depression.

It was a beautifully clear morning today. Bitterly cold, but beautifully clear. I spent a quiet relaxing weekend running errands, getting a fantastic hair cut, taking myself out to a lovely lunch at Uno's (french onion soup & grilled cheese) and doing laundry. SLB has been sick most of the past week, so he spent a lot of time in bed. I went to D&D Saturday night and got another demon zombie for my collection. I have three demon zombies and they have a fuckton of hit points and are great distractions for the melee fighters.

Last night we put up one of SLB's friends due to the extra inch of snow we got. This morning he was up and ready to move his car after I dropped Cuteness off at the bus stop. I made him coffee, he was very grateful. I treated myself to my first cup of coffee in about three weeks, all two ounces. It's still not finished, but that's okay.

I decided I will attempt to play "Don't Starve" on the PS4. It does look like fun. I've been watching "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and playing Harvest Moon Magical Melody. My girl has married her doctor and she has 55 notes. My boy I haven't decided on who he should marry yet, he has about 13 notes. I'm trying to get all the festivals I missed.

Today I took my time and savored my lunch. I had a full spectrum blood panel done a few weeks ago, everything came back good except the Vitamin D, which was a little low. I'm taking calcium with D, and I have another bottle of D supplements. This means I brought my cholesterol down and my kidneys are working properly and my thyroid is not an issue. The CSA starts in a few months, we will be doing that again. $250 goes a long way towards eating fresh local produce and really good wine.

I feel like dancing. I feel my ambition surging. I want to pursue those coding certifications. I want to keep writing. Urban Fantasy is still stuck. Beautiful Breakdown comes in fits and starts, as does Wistfull. I'm almost done with the damned prednisone, only two more days of 10 mgs. I'm not nearly as shaky and jittery and Spider-Me as I was last week, which is a huge relief. It means what I'm feeling now is a direct result of the Zoloft, which is so encouraging.

The last time I felt this good? Right around when I started dating SLB. So, October of 2012. A year and four months.

A YEAR AND FOUR MONTHS.

Simple Abundance reminded me last night that Life is a work in progress and now is the time to take chances, make mistakes, get messy and be glad. Trust and encourage your instints. Be open to the Universe. Start looking at your dreams again.

Maybe it's just the medication. Maybe it's just the first quiet whispers of spring. Maybe it's all of those things. Maybe I'll crash and burn.

I'm actually looking forward to it. And that's the most powerful thing of all.

Went back to Simple Abundance, my little road map that I've used since Wolf died as self-therapy to find Joy again. SLB asked me how many times I've read it.

"Cover to cover? Twice." I said. I then explained to him the Five Principles; Gratitude, Simplicity, Order, Harmony & Beauty which together beget Joy. I explained the material, the spiritual and how it all goes together. I explained creative excursions, which I have termed "Playtime." I also informed him that yes, this was written by a stay at home mother with a lot of time and some disposable income. He agreed the general theory was sound and was proud of himself for figuring it all out himself without the book.

"Good for you," I said. "I found this a few months after Wolf died, when I really needed a road map because I was so lost. I've kept what I agreed with, ignored what I didn't and I go back to it to see what else I can use to get out of this Indigo. It's been a long time since I've felt Joy. I don't know what's going to happen during this process, so be patient and there may be changes."

"I will be patient and I will support you, as long as you're not mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you. I'm Depressed. Go play cards."

He left to play MtG, IDK has one of his school friends over for a sleepover, they're playing Call of Duty on our PS4 downstairs. Cuteness is watching Play Doh videos on my desktop and I'm in here, trying to settle the emotions that were surging in my chest earlier reading about being grateful for what I have and taking quiet time for myself and write a gratitude journal and ask for a day's grace and oh gods, it's surging again. It's nearly a physical ache and pressure in my chest, a flow of energy pushing SO HARD against my sternum it brings tears to my eyes. I'll have to ask T for another Reiki session.

I'm going to play a new game I found and listen to KUEC.

Depression never is, even as Indigo whispers in my ear how beautiful bright red blood and thin white scars would be on my arm. I've managed to avoid the sharp things, but there was a lot of dull scoring of my arm Tuesday & Wednesday. I found out things I was very disappointed in. I was crying at the drop of a hat. I had to argue internally to enjoy sex. I was, in a word, wrecked.

It's not quite as bad, now that the first day of the year is over and I managed to hash out a few things w/SLB. But the weepiness is hovering like a black winged seraphim and my arm is not nearly red enough. I talked to my counselor Tuesday, she suggested squeezing my arm instead.

That did not help. The scoring is a temp measure and is Not A Good Idea, but it generates such a nice rush of endorphins and then I can admire the pretty red lines and really, isn't this better then actively wanting to die and eyeing various roads while calculating how fast I would need to go to ensure I didn't come back?

*SIGH*

I might need medication. I did really well two years ago with just talking therapy. However, that was a conscious decision on my part that This Must Stop!

Now, I don't want it to stop. I want it to end. Permanently. Which is Not Good and distractions only work so long and I can FEEL the Shadow leaning against my head and shoulders right now. Dresden's decision makes a lot of sense.

Rather, it surges to the fore again.

I finally have a counselor. First appointment was today. She's got a sunny personality and despises paperwork. We covered my risk assessment and I'm borderline low for suicide, so I don't need to be hospitalized. whee. I see her again next week to finish the rest of the profile.

I've been wanting to cry since yesterday. I picked up "Simple Abundance" again and read through the summer months like a novel. I got as far as September before I just couldn't take it anymore. How can I reap Joy when all I have is Sorrow? How can I foster Grace when I want to die? How do I bless my house, my job search or my novel when I feel so empty?

There are still good tidbits in this book. I have a tidy junk drawer and spice cupboard thanks to it. I've purged my closet twice. I finished another strip of my crochet blanket of DOOOOM and spent two episodes of "Top Gear" rewinding a partial skein of yarn into a neat ball to prevent further tangling. Izzy-kitty was VERY INTERESTED in the process, but the resulting ball was too big and heavy to bat around properly. I will start another strip sometime this weekend. I much prefer long, flat crocheting to three dimensional shapes. SLB found crocheted tank slippers on the Intawebs and asked if Zahde could do it. I reminded him she's bad at deadlines.

"Can you do it?"

"I don't know how."

At this point "Simple Abundance" would say "Try it! If you fail, it's not the end of the world." My response would be "If I fail, it will disappoint my boyfriend and that is a Bad Thing. So I'm not going to bother and continue working on this blanket, TYVM."

I am not looking forward to the Family Picnic on Monday. There will be something dedicated to Wolf and I'm having a hard enough time as it is.

I'll be hanging out with Megs and J. Maybe they'll let me do a toast.

This means it will be three years in a month and ten days.

Good gods, how did that happen?

Good gods, no wonder I'm exhausted!

Guess it's tea and willpower for the next forty days.

I have baking to do today. SLB has gone to work. I'm crying at charity walk commercials. I have Too Cute playing in the background so I don't feel alone.

I had to have an argument with myself, which resulted in me shoving Indigo AND Practical Rational into a small grey closet, just to have sex.

This is insane.

I'm really starting to understand why people turn to drugs and/or alcohol. It's HORRIBLE, feeling this way. There's this driving need to act out, somehow, someway, so the feelings will STOP. I want to be numb, but my brain won't let me. "You need to do this," says Practical Rational. "Let's go drive the car into a tree! That will help!" says Indigo. PR tries to shut Indigo up, Indigo screams, Angry gets involved and it's a three-way catfight in my head until I want to claw my throat to ribbons or put my fist through the wall.

Does any of this make sense? At all?

I really, really want to punch Wolf in the face, but punching a spirit will not give you the satisfying noise of bones breaking, nor will it split your knuckles so you can bleed for your sins.

I'm going to make fruit cobbler now and hopefully I won't have the desire to put my hand on the rack and give myself those pretty, pretty grill marks.