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Profiles of Perception
Sep. 19th, 2012 07:57 amFor almost all of my adult life, times when I was unemployed were scary, frustrating and responded to with copious amounts of guilt. If I wasn't working, I was A Disgrace. I was A Problem. I was Not Taking Care Of My Family.
This started when I was a teenager and had to help my parents make some house payments due to Dad being out of work and continued through college, two marriages and two kids. I remember being in Denver and getting so sick of temp jobs I told Wolf "I'm not accepting anything that isn't permanent." and he said "That's fine, honey, we'll be okay."
And we were.
A large part of the guilt did stem from the fact that the economy since the nineties pretty much demands that if there are children, both parents better work. This does change from state to state and job to job, obviously. An IT making $50-60 grand can afford to have a stay at home parent, in the right cost of living environment. Wolf and I together weren't making $50k, even in CO. Our peak was about $45k.
So how is it that right now, the guilt is not nearly the levels it used to be? (I can guilt myself better then a Jewish Grandmother)
I suspect the biggest factor is I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. Being a sensible sort, I saved as much of Wolf's life insurance and the tax returns from the last two years as a rainy day buffer. That foresight is what's allowing me to go back to school without having to take out a loan. Having my food bill cut in half is another factor. I'm driving less, so gas costs have gone down overall, but they will go back up once the Data Monkey job starts again.
It's funny, really, because I had always been of the opinion (backed with multiple examples) that staying at home would drive me BATTY. I get BORED. I also get frustrated with the Guilt. The Guilt is the worst.
Now, though.
Yesterday I did five batches of laundry and played Harvest Moon AP. That was IT. It was GLORIOUS! A quiet day of listening to the rain and realizing Antilles is becoming a player. (^_^)'
I'm GLAD I have these days to myself. I'm ENJOYING being a stay at home parent. I LIKE planning my daily schedule to have equal parts Work (cleaning, errands, etc) and Play (watching Animal Planet, garnering wishes from cute girls, naps). There is such SATISFACTION in knowing I can pick up the Cross Stitch of DOOM and work on it. I am THRILLED to sit on the couch sewing. I tingle with ANTICIPATION over school starting this Saturday.
And while there is still Guilt and Grief, neither are the black clouds that used to hover over my head and sit on my shoulders and whisper awful nothings into my ears. Grief is a sharp edge to the excitement and anticipation. Guilt is a twinge at the edge of satisfaction and enjoyment. Both can bring me to tears while my heart warms.
It's...strange.
This started when I was a teenager and had to help my parents make some house payments due to Dad being out of work and continued through college, two marriages and two kids. I remember being in Denver and getting so sick of temp jobs I told Wolf "I'm not accepting anything that isn't permanent." and he said "That's fine, honey, we'll be okay."
And we were.
A large part of the guilt did stem from the fact that the economy since the nineties pretty much demands that if there are children, both parents better work. This does change from state to state and job to job, obviously. An IT making $50-60 grand can afford to have a stay at home parent, in the right cost of living environment. Wolf and I together weren't making $50k, even in CO. Our peak was about $45k.
So how is it that right now, the guilt is not nearly the levels it used to be? (I can guilt myself better then a Jewish Grandmother)
I suspect the biggest factor is I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. Being a sensible sort, I saved as much of Wolf's life insurance and the tax returns from the last two years as a rainy day buffer. That foresight is what's allowing me to go back to school without having to take out a loan. Having my food bill cut in half is another factor. I'm driving less, so gas costs have gone down overall, but they will go back up once the Data Monkey job starts again.
It's funny, really, because I had always been of the opinion (backed with multiple examples) that staying at home would drive me BATTY. I get BORED. I also get frustrated with the Guilt. The Guilt is the worst.
Now, though.
Yesterday I did five batches of laundry and played Harvest Moon AP. That was IT. It was GLORIOUS! A quiet day of listening to the rain and realizing Antilles is becoming a player. (^_^)'
I'm GLAD I have these days to myself. I'm ENJOYING being a stay at home parent. I LIKE planning my daily schedule to have equal parts Work (cleaning, errands, etc) and Play (watching Animal Planet, garnering wishes from cute girls, naps). There is such SATISFACTION in knowing I can pick up the Cross Stitch of DOOM and work on it. I am THRILLED to sit on the couch sewing. I tingle with ANTICIPATION over school starting this Saturday.
And while there is still Guilt and Grief, neither are the black clouds that used to hover over my head and sit on my shoulders and whisper awful nothings into my ears. Grief is a sharp edge to the excitement and anticipation. Guilt is a twinge at the edge of satisfaction and enjoyment. Both can bring me to tears while my heart warms.
It's...strange.
