Pride is a bitter thing.

Sometimes I forget how proud I am. My biggest source of pride is Not Relying On Others Unless Absolutely Necessary. I don't ask favors of Handy BIL except when I absolutely need to (getting a full sized mattress up a circular staircase after we'd gotten it stuck, weedwhacking my backyard jungle because I didn't have the equipment, things like that.) I ask for babysitting on weekends only for events I don't feel comfortable taking the kiddos to (housewarming party with known large quantities of alcohol, out of state wedding, things like that.) I don't ask for money.

Today I swallowed my pride and asked for help getting to an event. The driving was not the issue, nor the work schedule as, well, I have none and that was part of the problem. The other half of the problem was IDK shattering the front door window by slamming said door in a fit of anger. The cost of the door was cheaper then the event, but not by much. I decided to call it quits and made an announcement accordingly.

Then I get a call from a friend reminding me of event assistance. When I protested, saying others were more needy, he pointed out that right now I am needy. Out of work for over a year, no prospects in sight, this is the kind of situation the assistance was set up for.

So I emailed the event directors and asked them to tell me if they can help before I send in reservations. I'm not going to waste the gas money, copy money and stamps if I don't know I can go.

It hurts. It hurts a LOT to admit I need the help. I'm supposed to be a strong independent woman. I'm not supposed to beg or ask for handouts. I shouldn't have to do this.

One more thing to add to my counseling appointment on Friday.