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My project proceeds apace, my numbers are good and getting better daily. However, there is lots of time to think while walking briskly from desk to copier to copier to copier/fax machine and waiting for faxes to complete. I missed my Zoloft this morning and took one at around 11 am when I realized I was getting overly emotional with a song.
One of the issues with SLB was his youth. I can accept a 29-30 year old acting like a 21-22 year old once in a while, but it was constant with him. For every hour he played with the kids, he played his own video games for two. He could be a very hard worker, but only after he'd spent three hours waking up and playing video games.
Yes, there's a pattern here and I'm embarrassed to admit it. My ex would ignore me for hours to play and refuse to do chores. Wolf played a lot when he was unemployed, usually when I was at work. In the evenings we watched his shows. That was a novel experience after he died, being completely in charge of the television. Now SLB.
I like geeks. Geeks are wonderful. Geeks have risen up and now rule the popular culture world. But Mother Me isn't interested in geeks, or at least not childish geeks. Mother Me wants someone who will share the television and not stay up until 1 in the morning gaming. Mother Me wants someone who keeps up with the times so I don't have to, I'm LOUSY at it. Mother Me wants someone who's ego isn't the size of the house but has enough self confidence to hold his own. Mother Me wants someone who makes a living wage and has his own car.
But back to the subject line. One of the things SLB harped on was how I "missed" my twenties by being a young responsible mother. I didn't experience the "normal" college life, with the drinking, the bohemian gatherings, the celebration of youth, the weed.
The thing is, I never WANTED that kind of life. Okay, I wanted the bohemian gatherings at the coffee shop to discuss Life, The Universe and Everything. I wanted weekly D&D sessions that resulted in epic characters and awesome storylines. I did the clubbing once in a while after my divorce and decided while I like to dance, I don't like the drinking and the potential for rape. My D&D longings turned into five years of Freelance Keep, an AWESOME online, home grown game between...6-10 people, depending and most of us playing multiple characters. I never did get the bohemian gatherings at the coffee shop. I worked the coffee shop instead and it wasn't big enough to support said gatherings. Yes, it would have been nice to be able to drop everything and go see a movie on a whim, or go to a friend's party and hang out. I know there are young mothers out there who do that. I was not one of them, I was responsible. I am still responsible.
Thinking about this today, I started getting choked up and had to fight off tears. I never felt that rush sung about in pop dance music, drink and dance because tonight's good and tomorrow may come. I don't party in the USA, I'm not a dirty little freak, I will never get a party started. My 20 year old self, the What If that escaped the ex and never got pregnant appeared in my mind crying and it took serious Will to not cry myself.
"I can't do that or be that!" I said.
"Could you at least write me a story?" She sobbed.
"A story? Yes! Yes, I can write your story."
"It doesn't have to be a long story. A week. Give me a week of that life so I can be real in words."
"I'm not good at short stories, but I will do my best."
At some point there will be a story about Sara, the microbiology student. Because that's all I can do. I was never there.
One of the issues with SLB was his youth. I can accept a 29-30 year old acting like a 21-22 year old once in a while, but it was constant with him. For every hour he played with the kids, he played his own video games for two. He could be a very hard worker, but only after he'd spent three hours waking up and playing video games.
Yes, there's a pattern here and I'm embarrassed to admit it. My ex would ignore me for hours to play and refuse to do chores. Wolf played a lot when he was unemployed, usually when I was at work. In the evenings we watched his shows. That was a novel experience after he died, being completely in charge of the television. Now SLB.
I like geeks. Geeks are wonderful. Geeks have risen up and now rule the popular culture world. But Mother Me isn't interested in geeks, or at least not childish geeks. Mother Me wants someone who will share the television and not stay up until 1 in the morning gaming. Mother Me wants someone who keeps up with the times so I don't have to, I'm LOUSY at it. Mother Me wants someone who's ego isn't the size of the house but has enough self confidence to hold his own. Mother Me wants someone who makes a living wage and has his own car.
But back to the subject line. One of the things SLB harped on was how I "missed" my twenties by being a young responsible mother. I didn't experience the "normal" college life, with the drinking, the bohemian gatherings, the celebration of youth, the weed.
The thing is, I never WANTED that kind of life. Okay, I wanted the bohemian gatherings at the coffee shop to discuss Life, The Universe and Everything. I wanted weekly D&D sessions that resulted in epic characters and awesome storylines. I did the clubbing once in a while after my divorce and decided while I like to dance, I don't like the drinking and the potential for rape. My D&D longings turned into five years of Freelance Keep, an AWESOME online, home grown game between...6-10 people, depending and most of us playing multiple characters. I never did get the bohemian gatherings at the coffee shop. I worked the coffee shop instead and it wasn't big enough to support said gatherings. Yes, it would have been nice to be able to drop everything and go see a movie on a whim, or go to a friend's party and hang out. I know there are young mothers out there who do that. I was not one of them, I was responsible. I am still responsible.
Thinking about this today, I started getting choked up and had to fight off tears. I never felt that rush sung about in pop dance music, drink and dance because tonight's good and tomorrow may come. I don't party in the USA, I'm not a dirty little freak, I will never get a party started. My 20 year old self, the What If that escaped the ex and never got pregnant appeared in my mind crying and it took serious Will to not cry myself.
"I can't do that or be that!" I said.
"Could you at least write me a story?" She sobbed.
"A story? Yes! Yes, I can write your story."
"It doesn't have to be a long story. A week. Give me a week of that life so I can be real in words."
"I'm not good at short stories, but I will do my best."
At some point there will be a story about Sara, the microbiology student. Because that's all I can do. I was never there.
