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Radical Acceptance
Apr. 26th, 2016 08:57 pmNightfall introduced me to this concept via a book by the same name. It's a Buddhist self help book, encouraging you to accept all the feels with compassion and acceptance and non-judgement. Nightfall said it helped him a lot. As I have All The Anxiety right now, I bought a Kindle copy and have read a little over half.
Queenie has a LOT of pain. And Worthlessness. And Grief. There is old pain, newer pain, reinforced over time pain.
None of this is really a surprise. I have Issues. Maternal Unit, abusive Ex Husband, abusive Ex Boss, Wolf's death, Single Motherhood, all things I have not come to full acceptance and compassion with. Some things, though, are worse then others.
For example, I've been practicing mindfulness at work, what with the She Who Does Not Like Me situation. During one of my breaks, I pulled out my Lottery story and remembered I had seen Powerball was in the $300mil range.
"I should get a ticket or five," I thought to myself. "It would be nice to have this story become reality."
A hand suddenly clutched my throat, fingers digging into either side of my larynx.
How Dare You! How Dare You wish for financial independence! Don't you know You're Not Worthy of that? The voice in my head said.
WTF?
Apparently there is a fable in my head that states I can never be free. Of anything. I will never be free of debt, I will never be free of my children, I will never be free to do whatever I want whenever I want because that is WRONG and I DON'T DESERVE IT.
Now.
I know this is utter bullshit. I'm well aware this is a story in my head and it's not real. That does not make the hand grabbing my throat any less real to my perceptions. I felt choked and I had an asthma attack afterward. So this fable, this nonsense story about how I'm a Worthless Person Who Doesn't Deserve Her Dreams has a lot of power because I Gave It Power. This is an old fable that I believe in so deeply the mere thought of breaking free of it chokes me and brings on sensations of shame and panic. Saying it's bullshit isn't enough. Intellectually KNOWING it's bullshit isn't enough. I have to face this fable at the emotional level, way down deep in my shattered heart, and surround it with Compassion and Love.
This will not be easy. This will take time.
I'll let you lot know how it goes.
Queenie has a LOT of pain. And Worthlessness. And Grief. There is old pain, newer pain, reinforced over time pain.
None of this is really a surprise. I have Issues. Maternal Unit, abusive Ex Husband, abusive Ex Boss, Wolf's death, Single Motherhood, all things I have not come to full acceptance and compassion with. Some things, though, are worse then others.
For example, I've been practicing mindfulness at work, what with the She Who Does Not Like Me situation. During one of my breaks, I pulled out my Lottery story and remembered I had seen Powerball was in the $300mil range.
"I should get a ticket or five," I thought to myself. "It would be nice to have this story become reality."
A hand suddenly clutched my throat, fingers digging into either side of my larynx.
How Dare You! How Dare You wish for financial independence! Don't you know You're Not Worthy of that? The voice in my head said.
WTF?
Apparently there is a fable in my head that states I can never be free. Of anything. I will never be free of debt, I will never be free of my children, I will never be free to do whatever I want whenever I want because that is WRONG and I DON'T DESERVE IT.
Now.
I know this is utter bullshit. I'm well aware this is a story in my head and it's not real. That does not make the hand grabbing my throat any less real to my perceptions. I felt choked and I had an asthma attack afterward. So this fable, this nonsense story about how I'm a Worthless Person Who Doesn't Deserve Her Dreams has a lot of power because I Gave It Power. This is an old fable that I believe in so deeply the mere thought of breaking free of it chokes me and brings on sensations of shame and panic. Saying it's bullshit isn't enough. Intellectually KNOWING it's bullshit isn't enough. I have to face this fable at the emotional level, way down deep in my shattered heart, and surround it with Compassion and Love.
This will not be easy. This will take time.
I'll let you lot know how it goes.
