Musings on Birthdays
Mar. 22nd, 2006 07:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodsong1Or...
Not.
I'm rather jumbled at the moment. Part of me is excited over the prospect of getting a free cake tomorrow, while at the same time bracing myself for disappointment. Because, really, what are the odds I'm going to be fussed over? I'll be 28. It's not a "milestone" age. Two years closer to thirty, two years further along in my "safe" reproductive years.
I want a baby. BADLY. Wanna break this cycle.
But back to the disappointment...
I try very hard not to get my hopes up with birthdays. Too many sad/uneventful/no fun ones. Wolf has it worse, once he hit a certain age birthdays basically ceased in his family. They'd wish each other a happy day, but with 5 kids in upstate NY, money wasn't there to give everyone a party every single year. Now he gets this weird look on his face whenever I plan something for him.
The kiddo asked me what I wanted, I told him flowers. He asked again today in King Soopers. "Mommy, can we get you some flowers?" I told him to talk to Wolf. His response "Not here." Because, well, King Soopers isn't known for good flowers.
I brought up the idea of having Wolf surprise me with something this weekend. "Is that a hint?" He asked me. "It's a suggestion. Take it as you see fit," I responded. I'm planning on sending the kiddo down to the grandparents this weekend, if they'll have them.
I'm not enjoying this feeling of stress. Really. What is there to be stressed about? It's just another day. If nothing happens ON THAT DAY, it's no big deal. Wolf and I have a Friday routine. We go out for coffee in the morning before work, then if we have the money, we go out to lunch. We certainly have the money, considering we got another check from the car refinancing to the tune of over $300. So I'm pretty sure we can afford to go out for sushi on Friday. Mmmmm. Sushi.
You know what's really weird? I honestly didn't think I'd live this long. I never pictured myself past college age as a teenager. In fact, I used to scare myself at night running through death scenarios in my head. Yes, my death. At the hands of a rapist, a random shooting, a car accident. I watched myself die violently more then once in my mind. In fact, there was a time when I was a single mom that I envisioned begging some mugger that broke in to kill my son first so he wouldn't be left alone with a dead mommy, trying to survive on his own at 18 months old.
Yes, I'm morbid at times.
So, here I am. Finally gainfully employed, with a newly healthy kiddo, a wonderful husband I want to pounce on a regular basis, much to his chagrin at times, Hee!, two fun cats and money to spare in my account. Not bad.
Not.
I'm rather jumbled at the moment. Part of me is excited over the prospect of getting a free cake tomorrow, while at the same time bracing myself for disappointment. Because, really, what are the odds I'm going to be fussed over? I'll be 28. It's not a "milestone" age. Two years closer to thirty, two years further along in my "safe" reproductive years.
I want a baby. BADLY. Wanna break this cycle.
But back to the disappointment...
I try very hard not to get my hopes up with birthdays. Too many sad/uneventful/no fun ones. Wolf has it worse, once he hit a certain age birthdays basically ceased in his family. They'd wish each other a happy day, but with 5 kids in upstate NY, money wasn't there to give everyone a party every single year. Now he gets this weird look on his face whenever I plan something for him.
The kiddo asked me what I wanted, I told him flowers. He asked again today in King Soopers. "Mommy, can we get you some flowers?" I told him to talk to Wolf. His response "Not here." Because, well, King Soopers isn't known for good flowers.
I brought up the idea of having Wolf surprise me with something this weekend. "Is that a hint?" He asked me. "It's a suggestion. Take it as you see fit," I responded. I'm planning on sending the kiddo down to the grandparents this weekend, if they'll have them.
I'm not enjoying this feeling of stress. Really. What is there to be stressed about? It's just another day. If nothing happens ON THAT DAY, it's no big deal. Wolf and I have a Friday routine. We go out for coffee in the morning before work, then if we have the money, we go out to lunch. We certainly have the money, considering we got another check from the car refinancing to the tune of over $300. So I'm pretty sure we can afford to go out for sushi on Friday. Mmmmm. Sushi.
You know what's really weird? I honestly didn't think I'd live this long. I never pictured myself past college age as a teenager. In fact, I used to scare myself at night running through death scenarios in my head. Yes, my death. At the hands of a rapist, a random shooting, a car accident. I watched myself die violently more then once in my mind. In fact, there was a time when I was a single mom that I envisioned begging some mugger that broke in to kill my son first so he wouldn't be left alone with a dead mommy, trying to survive on his own at 18 months old.
Yes, I'm morbid at times.
So, here I am. Finally gainfully employed, with a newly healthy kiddo, a wonderful husband I want to pounce on a regular basis, much to his chagrin at times, Hee!, two fun cats and money to spare in my account. Not bad.
