Not a pretty thing.
Jan. 2nd, 2014 01:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodsong1Depression never is, even as Indigo whispers in my ear how beautiful bright red blood and thin white scars would be on my arm. I've managed to avoid the sharp things, but there was a lot of dull scoring of my arm Tuesday & Wednesday. I found out things I was very disappointed in. I was crying at the drop of a hat. I had to argue internally to enjoy sex. I was, in a word, wrecked.
It's not quite as bad, now that the first day of the year is over and I managed to hash out a few things w/SLB. But the weepiness is hovering like a black winged seraphim and my arm is not nearly red enough. I talked to my counselor Tuesday, she suggested squeezing my arm instead.
That did not help. The scoring is a temp measure and is Not A Good Idea, but it generates such a nice rush of endorphins and then I can admire the pretty red lines and really, isn't this better then actively wanting to die and eyeing various roads while calculating how fast I would need to go to ensure I didn't come back?
*SIGH*
I might need medication. I did really well two years ago with just talking therapy. However, that was a conscious decision on my part that This Must Stop!
Now, I don't want it to stop. I want it to end. Permanently. Which is Not Good and distractions only work so long and I can FEEL the Shadow leaning against my head and shoulders right now. Dresden's decision makes a lot of sense.
It's not quite as bad, now that the first day of the year is over and I managed to hash out a few things w/SLB. But the weepiness is hovering like a black winged seraphim and my arm is not nearly red enough. I talked to my counselor Tuesday, she suggested squeezing my arm instead.
That did not help. The scoring is a temp measure and is Not A Good Idea, but it generates such a nice rush of endorphins and then I can admire the pretty red lines and really, isn't this better then actively wanting to die and eyeing various roads while calculating how fast I would need to go to ensure I didn't come back?
*SIGH*
I might need medication. I did really well two years ago with just talking therapy. However, that was a conscious decision on my part that This Must Stop!
Now, I don't want it to stop. I want it to end. Permanently. Which is Not Good and distractions only work so long and I can FEEL the Shadow leaning against my head and shoulders right now. Dresden's decision makes a lot of sense.
