Conversations with Self
Nov. 22nd, 2004 11:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodsong1I do like my job. A lot. Easy, great people and I think I’m making friends. Friends are a good thing. I’m still not 100% comfortable with the AR crew, especially since I know Sheri wants to have words with me over The Incident. Heh. “You broke the cardinal rule.” She tells me last night. Yes, I did, and so did Bob and Kevin and we’ve all paid for that, thank you very much. And don’t expect much cooperation from my ex-husband either. I’ve tried off and on for two years to be polite to the man and all I get in return are profanities and insults. All we want is for him to sign over his rights so Kevin can adopt Marc. That would free him up to do whatever the hell he wants. I don’t care. That part of our lives is over and I’ve been moving on. I never wanted the rancor between us. Hell, I tried the therapy. Watching him blow up in front of the therapist over something minor sealed it for me. I couldn’t let my son live with that hostility. It wasn’t safe for either of us. Unless and until he gets help for his anger, I want nothing to do with him. Oh, I’ll be polite to him, I always have been.
*sigh* I still have issues; with Bob, with the AR crew, with Don. I had considered that door firmly shut and locked, but now it’s been broken open and all the baggage has come tumbling out. It’s times like these when I want to say “Fuck it” and go back to being a semi-recluse with Kevin and Marc. But I’m already committed to Tiburon and the regional Summit. Time to suck it up, play nice and in what little free time I have, look myself squarely in the eye and ask
“Why do you feel this way?”
“Because I still care.”
“You never stopped.”
“No, I didn’t, I just got over the lust.”
“And the others?”
“They turned their backs on me at the first opportunity. I have no desire to be their friend again.”
“Because you were hurt by them.”
“Yes. I understand their position, but they did not return the favor. Why should I open myself up to that pain again?”
“The pain can be eased with new beginnings.”
“I don’t WANT a new beginning. I was HAPPY away from Fleet.”
“Even without a social life?”
“I had a few friends. And they were MY friends, not Bob’s friends tolerating me.”
“So, this is about you.”
“Of course it is. I want my own friends and I don’t think I’m going to get them in this region.”
“What about Bran and Christina?”
“They’re a start, but they’re still Fleet.”
“You want something outside Fleet that’s just yours. You already have that.”
“The Keep is an outlet, yes. I have Kyther to visit, but even that’s being touched by Bob’s ambition for Fleet. Fleet isn’t everything!”
“Then why didn’t you tell Kevin you didn’t want to?”
“I did, but I also know how important it is to him and I am his mate. You support your mate. I could have fun with Tiburon. We want to do things outside of ST, like gaming and BattleTech and community service. It won’t just be Star Trek. That gives me hope. Plus Kevin and I can work on the fanfiction together. I love writing with him.”
“But it’s not enough, is it?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t think it will be.”
“I’m afraid.”
“Afraid.”
“Of being overwhelmed. Of being the shadow.”
“You know how to prevent that.”
“I don’t want the spotlight, either.”
“Then what DO you want???”
“I…I don’t know.”
“Well then.”
“Yeah.”
*sigh* I still have issues; with Bob, with the AR crew, with Don. I had considered that door firmly shut and locked, but now it’s been broken open and all the baggage has come tumbling out. It’s times like these when I want to say “Fuck it” and go back to being a semi-recluse with Kevin and Marc. But I’m already committed to Tiburon and the regional Summit. Time to suck it up, play nice and in what little free time I have, look myself squarely in the eye and ask
“Why do you feel this way?”
“Because I still care.”
“You never stopped.”
“No, I didn’t, I just got over the lust.”
“And the others?”
“They turned their backs on me at the first opportunity. I have no desire to be their friend again.”
“Because you were hurt by them.”
“Yes. I understand their position, but they did not return the favor. Why should I open myself up to that pain again?”
“The pain can be eased with new beginnings.”
“I don’t WANT a new beginning. I was HAPPY away from Fleet.”
“Even without a social life?”
“I had a few friends. And they were MY friends, not Bob’s friends tolerating me.”
“So, this is about you.”
“Of course it is. I want my own friends and I don’t think I’m going to get them in this region.”
“What about Bran and Christina?”
“They’re a start, but they’re still Fleet.”
“You want something outside Fleet that’s just yours. You already have that.”
“The Keep is an outlet, yes. I have Kyther to visit, but even that’s being touched by Bob’s ambition for Fleet. Fleet isn’t everything!”
“Then why didn’t you tell Kevin you didn’t want to?”
“I did, but I also know how important it is to him and I am his mate. You support your mate. I could have fun with Tiburon. We want to do things outside of ST, like gaming and BattleTech and community service. It won’t just be Star Trek. That gives me hope. Plus Kevin and I can work on the fanfiction together. I love writing with him.”
“But it’s not enough, is it?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t think it will be.”
“I’m afraid.”
“Afraid.”
“Of being overwhelmed. Of being the shadow.”
“You know how to prevent that.”
“I don’t want the spotlight, either.”
“Then what DO you want???”
“I…I don’t know.”
“Well then.”
“Yeah.”
