It's so WEIRD!

[bloodsong1]

Being a mom is...well, those who are know and those who aren't can only speculate. Contrary to popular opinion, having a pet you dote on is NOT the same as having a child.

But I digress. (That was fast.) Oh shut up.

The Cuteness was having dinner tonight and her first serious practice time with a spoon. She held it right, if almost UPright, and tried to scoop out some meat or carrots. She ended up tapping the spoon against the bottom of the bowl. The look of concentration took my breath away. Then she'd look up at me, still with that oh-so-serious expression, and I felt like I was looking at a young woman trapped in a baby's body wondering what the hell had happened. THEN she'd break into big toothy grin and she'd be back to a 16 month old so proud of herself for trying something new.

For the record, The Cuteness does not approve of cottage cheese. Nor does she approve of pickled eggs, pickled ginger or fresh lemons. Everything else we've fed her she gobbles right down. Vestal Bakery pizza was a big hit.

It's freaky how you can look into the eyes of a child and be slapped with the soul behind them. I have given birth to old souls. Not only that, but I swear they're not fully human. I call Markl Puck for a reason. When he's sulking and looking up at you from under his eyebrows, he looks JUST LIKE PUCK. Becca-chan I think is either a pixie or an imp. She got an unholy look of joy on her face when she got ahold of my phone yesterday. I use unholy deliberately. That dawning knowledge of "OH! I get to play with THIS! YIPPEE!" It's SCARY.

But what actually brought on this fit of pensive reflection was when I was getting her ready for bed. She has a onesie that's covered in rosebuds. This reminded me of my old childhood dream to have an English Rose bedroom.

An English Rose bedroom has white furniture, wicker chairs, and flowers EVERYWHERE. Rose print sheets and comforter with a sheer, lacy canopy, cabbage rose cushions on the chairs, ribbon and flower borders on the wall (if not rosebud wallpaper), lace trimmed curtains that match the comforter, and a pink/rose/green rug on a dark wood floor. The best English Rose bedrooms are on the second floor and the windowseat is directly over the flower gardens so you can sit and enjoy the scents while staring dreamily into space.

As I got older, the English Rose morphed into a 50s teenybopper, still with the pastel colors, but a daybed instead of the canopy (white furniture remaining), a desk and dressing table instead of a toybox, and the bed and curtains would have paint streaks of pink, blue, green and black. I got this color scheme out of a JCPenny's catalogue. Does anyone remember the JCPenny catalogues?

Then I grew up.

Now I have a distinctly Asian themed bedroom, with dark wicker drawers and nightstands, a calligraphy carpet we use as a headboard, square black lamps with linen shades and a red comforter with a bronze overlay that's faintly shimmery. The only thing that remains of my childhood is the hope chest with a neutral cushion built into the lid.

This has not stopped the occasional nostalgic wish for lace curtains and a flowery room.

However, I do not want to be the projecting, vicarious kind of mother who gives her daughter what SHE wanted as a child, not what the daughter wants. I realize at 16 months old, The Cuteness really won't care and besides, Wolf wants her to sleep with us until she's two and/or can safely maneuver stairs. This logic does not stop me from fretting that I'm going to nudge The Cuteness into some stereotypical ideal of a flowery, princess-y childhood. I want her to be a strong, tough chicky, one who can stand up to boys AND girls with equal ease, but at the same time uses her manners.


Maybe I'm just freaking out because we have a fixed date to get our stuff back and worst case it goes into storage HERE and we're STILL living with Mama A and every other case, best, good and indifferent, means we have a house to move into and I can start slowly putting all those decorating ideas into play.

Maybe I'm just freaking out because I feel like I'm losing some kind of geek/dork/nerd/tough-chick cred because I do want lace and frills and flowers in the house and white wicker furniture on the wrap around porch and bedrooms my children can play and dream and have adventures in.

Maybe it's all of the above and I'm just being STUPID and I should just go see "Mamma Mia" this weekend with Wolf and admit that I want to see it because it's a musical starring Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan and I LIKE Abba and does that make me girly or a dork or both?

Gods, you'd think I'm afraid to be feminine. Never mind I bought underwears at Vicky's and got lacy, silky pairs on top of the practical ones and I wore skirts almost every weekend this summer and I can't wait to go to the farmer's market and use my Wic coupons and I really need to research Shinto wedding ceremonies for Speed Onis and figure out how to make a cussing, short tempered, motorcycle loving Akane behave herself at a formal lunch in a kimono, TWICE.

*blink blink*

I AM afraid to be feminine.

*headdesk*

Comments

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

I AM afraid to be feminine.

Welcome to the club.

I always feel it will prove the chauvinists "right" about females being pathetic should I ever indulge the "feminine" things I like around people.

The smug "SEE!!!! I TOLD YOU YOU WERE A GIRL! *self-righteous indignant look*" that I got from a majority of the males who encouraged my girly side....

Argh! It just makes me want to wear flannel 24/7 and punch people. There are several reasons I dumped Patrick. This behavior was the MAIN reason. He was (and still is) one of the worst repeat-offenders when it comes to stealing ownership of my ideas.

I think if I could avoid people who rub my nose in it like that, I'd be "girly" a little more often...

(Rob's VERY good about being pleased when I do it, and complementing me when I bother to get "girly"... He's just that good. *grin*)

Yeah, Wolf does that too.

[bloodsong1.livejournal.com]

He's told me point blank he loves the fact that I'm not a true "girly girl" because he can talk about video games and football and politics and cars and scifi and such with me and I'll GET it and can contribute to the conversation intelligently.

However, he loves it when I let my feminine side out just as much, if not a little more.

And he really, really likes the sexy underwears.

Re: Yeah, Wolf does that too.

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

Well I have the sexy underwears, too.

It's just that most of mine involve corsetry and/or fishnets.

I guess I never really got over the rocky horror thing...

Re: Yeah, Wolf does that too.

[bloodsong1.livejournal.com]

Nothing wrong with fishnets and corsets. ^_^