Emotionally Vulnerable

[bloodsong1]

I've been feeling very low and tender this week. I know part of it, if not most of it, is due to the Migraine Incident that is still trying to eat my brain three days later. I've limited my caffeine intake to one cup of black or green tea in the morning. I was able to work all day Friday, but I spent most of it stoned on Imitrex, which is nice in some ways and not much fun in others. I've only had a few instances since Thursday night where I've been able to sit up and say "Wow! I feel good!"

Today during a break in class, I picked up Simple Abundance to pass the time. I got misty reading entries about gardening and how good it is for the body, mind and soul. I wanted to cry over the tragedy of untimely death and other "life accidents". My heart ached over the ideals being presented of finding harmony in daily life and how to adjust to Plan B when something derails you.

I haven't felt this Indigo in a long time. It seems to be a combination of renewed grieving (thank you Samurai Jack), fear of failure (OMG, this migraine thing is getting serious, I'm not as reliable as I should be), fear of health (OMG, this migraine thing is getting serious, what if something's wrong?) and feeling overwhelmed about the whole job and school thing.

I want to just curl up in a ball and sleep. There are things to do; laundry, dishes, finding my damned trowel so I can start working in the garden. Thinking about doing those things triggers a desire to cry.

I guess I'll be gentle with myself today. Set one or two home-keeping goals and don't worry about anything else. Let myself snooze. Eat as I need to and don't dwell on the fact that I'm hungry a lot more often these days. It's probably the depo. I was off it for a year, that's plenty of time to forget how I respond to it.

Comments

[chezelliott.livejournal.com]

If I might make a suggestion, if the only reason you're on the depo is birth control, and if it makes you this miserable, might it be time to consider something like tubal ligation? I know there are insurance issues, but you might have some options that could help out.

[bloodsong1.livejournal.com]

I don't think it is the depo, personally. This was a direct result of that damned Samurai Jack episode. I'm blaming the hunger on depo, because I gained about 15 pounds in the 4.5 years I was on it. I was off it for roughly a year before I started dating SNB and needed it again.

All that being said, having my tubes tied is very tempting and I would have to ask PP about it.

[chezelliott.livejournal.com]

Ah, I thought the migraine issue was related to hormonal/depo stuff.

[bloodsong1.livejournal.com]

Hormones are a trigger. So are caffeine, barometric pressure changes, flickering screens, 3D movies...