Writing about this probably won't help.
May. 17th, 2014 08:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bloodsong1But anyway.
Today is Saturday. We will be having D&D tonight, playing SLB's game. Last time I brought my Nook and didn't pay much attention to the game. I keep reminding myself to bring it home and I keep forgetting. I know why I keep forgetting. Part of it is I keep it in a drawer, so it's not right in my face to remind me to take it home. The rest of it is that I've made the mental association that it is a work related object. I use it at work, so it stays at work. On any given day these two...mental constructs will trade off being The Reason.
I asked what the plan was and SLB said it was his game.
"Oh. I forgot my Nook again." I said and went back to crocheting.
"Why? How?" SLB asks.
"I keep forgetting because I now see it as a work related item," I explained.
"It's NOT a work related thing! It is a thing!" SLB protests and then chants "Not a work thing, not a work thing, it's a thing, it's a thing, it's a thing you need" about five times. I ignore this because it's not helping me. The Nook is at work, I'm not going to get it given I've already driven over three hours today going to and from Ithaca, I will have to figure out something else.
"This is what really pisses me off about you, your passive-aggressive bullshit. You make these negative statements 'Damn, X is not where I need it to be' or whatever and then you turn apathetic to the entire situation instead of doing something about it. A meteor could land on you and you would go 'Meh'!" SLB says, and proceeds to repeat himself about four times. I wait for a chance to explain, he won't give it to me.
"Can I tell you what's actually going on in my head instead of you postulating what you THINK is going on in my head?" I ask.
"No! This is not a discussion. This is me telling you how frustrating your behavior is to me. Bad things happen to you and you don't give a shit." I go back to my crocheting. He finally shuts up.
"Stop taking my spoons," I say.
"Keep a hold of them!" He snaps back.
Clearly, nothing was going to come from this discussion except hurt feelings. He had no interest in "why", even though he asked it and his "help" was, well, childish. Much later conversations reveal my apathy for negative things happening to me by me and my emotional reactions to negative INTERPERSONAL things happening to me and someone else is a source of confusion and frustration. But he still doesn't want to know "why". He thought he was being kind by telling me he didn't want to know and didn't need to know. I informed him I have a Fix It hat too and if my behavior is confusing and frustrating, explaining why I follow these behaviors should "fix" the confusion. Being told he doesn't want his confusion or frustration "fixed" also hurts. It's slamming the door on communication, which was the crux of the entire bloody thing. We don't communicate well. I want to learn how to communicate better with HIM and I offered methods that I felt would help ME understand and better explain myself to HIM. He doesn't think any of my methods would work because he saw it as either impossible on his part or simply setting ourselves up for inevitable fighting. He feels I'm broken and his solution was to stop asking questions entirely.
*HEADDESK*
I am very tired and I know this is effecting my judgement and emotional state. I also need to eat, but the hurt has worked its usual dark magic and the thought of food is unappealing. After he leaves for his game, I'll send the children to their rooms, watch "No Reservations" and eat something. I don't feel I've accomplished much in the last two hours of conversation, other then if he doesn't use the words "you", "like" or "think" in a question, he's looking for a strictly objective answer. I MIGHT remember that.
Today is Saturday. We will be having D&D tonight, playing SLB's game. Last time I brought my Nook and didn't pay much attention to the game. I keep reminding myself to bring it home and I keep forgetting. I know why I keep forgetting. Part of it is I keep it in a drawer, so it's not right in my face to remind me to take it home. The rest of it is that I've made the mental association that it is a work related object. I use it at work, so it stays at work. On any given day these two...mental constructs will trade off being The Reason.
I asked what the plan was and SLB said it was his game.
"Oh. I forgot my Nook again." I said and went back to crocheting.
"Why? How?" SLB asks.
"I keep forgetting because I now see it as a work related item," I explained.
"It's NOT a work related thing! It is a thing!" SLB protests and then chants "Not a work thing, not a work thing, it's a thing, it's a thing, it's a thing you need" about five times. I ignore this because it's not helping me. The Nook is at work, I'm not going to get it given I've already driven over three hours today going to and from Ithaca, I will have to figure out something else.
"This is what really pisses me off about you, your passive-aggressive bullshit. You make these negative statements 'Damn, X is not where I need it to be' or whatever and then you turn apathetic to the entire situation instead of doing something about it. A meteor could land on you and you would go 'Meh'!" SLB says, and proceeds to repeat himself about four times. I wait for a chance to explain, he won't give it to me.
"Can I tell you what's actually going on in my head instead of you postulating what you THINK is going on in my head?" I ask.
"No! This is not a discussion. This is me telling you how frustrating your behavior is to me. Bad things happen to you and you don't give a shit." I go back to my crocheting. He finally shuts up.
"Stop taking my spoons," I say.
"Keep a hold of them!" He snaps back.
Clearly, nothing was going to come from this discussion except hurt feelings. He had no interest in "why", even though he asked it and his "help" was, well, childish. Much later conversations reveal my apathy for negative things happening to me by me and my emotional reactions to negative INTERPERSONAL things happening to me and someone else is a source of confusion and frustration. But he still doesn't want to know "why". He thought he was being kind by telling me he didn't want to know and didn't need to know. I informed him I have a Fix It hat too and if my behavior is confusing and frustrating, explaining why I follow these behaviors should "fix" the confusion. Being told he doesn't want his confusion or frustration "fixed" also hurts. It's slamming the door on communication, which was the crux of the entire bloody thing. We don't communicate well. I want to learn how to communicate better with HIM and I offered methods that I felt would help ME understand and better explain myself to HIM. He doesn't think any of my methods would work because he saw it as either impossible on his part or simply setting ourselves up for inevitable fighting. He feels I'm broken and his solution was to stop asking questions entirely.
*HEADDESK*
I am very tired and I know this is effecting my judgement and emotional state. I also need to eat, but the hurt has worked its usual dark magic and the thought of food is unappealing. After he leaves for his game, I'll send the children to their rooms, watch "No Reservations" and eat something. I don't feel I've accomplished much in the last two hours of conversation, other then if he doesn't use the words "you", "like" or "think" in a question, he's looking for a strictly objective answer. I MIGHT remember that.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-19 02:12 pm (UTC)