Simple Abundance Exercise

[bloodsong1]

Digging through the past is not easy for me. There are a lot of mistakes, a lot of pain. But Simple Abundance suggests that focusing on the happy memories from key times; 10, 16, 21, 25, 30, et cetera, will help one find one's True Blue Self. It suggests age 10 was the last time most women trusted their own instincts about themselves.

I am not most women. At age ten I wanted to be a Lady. A Lady was British, room enough in her purse, wore chiffon, silk and/or lace, had a cutting garden someone else maintained, had a small staff, lived in a stone house, hosted elegant tea parties, kept in touch with letters, was well read and spent most of her time at home. Nothing I had or did reflected this desire, as my clothes were hand me downs and my days were spent at the library because I was homeschooling.

I trust my instincts now. I've trusted my instincts since I married Wolf. Before then, not so much. I spent a lot more time pretending to "Survive the Wilderness" and "Heidi", with some Barbie Adult Adventures thrown in. There were flashes of Ladyhood; setting the table just so, playing dress up with all the old Mary Kay makeup my mother gave me (none of which actually suited my coloring), being allowed to open the desk curio cabinets to have tea with my "special" Peter Cottontail tea set. There was one summer I owned seven pairs of Keds shoes. Those were the most shoes I ever had in my life.

After my divorce, my public shunning and my first apartment, I began to trust myself. I found clothes that fit and looked better. I got exactly the furniture I wanted, a blue couch and a cherry coffee table. I strove for full independence and kept coming up short due to child care issues. I bought all the sugared cereal and soda I wanted and got it out of my system. I continued to spend days at the library. At that point my highest career goal was executive secretary. Then Wolf came back and I felt I had found my true calling. His wife and mother of his children. Yes, I had a child by a previous marriage, but Wolf would be Daddy. He encouraged me to finish my associate's degree, to write, to have new experiences.

Losing that tore my world to shreds. I've spent the last four.five years trying to find myself. I keep coming back to the Lady. Now she has real-world depth. This Lady works her own garden, lives in a self sustaining house, has no one to be responsible for except herself and a cat or two, works as a medical coder/biller, hosts tea parties, keeps contact with email and phone calls, is well read and still spends more time at home.

I've always wanted to be surrounded by flowers and crystal and china and lace. The crystal and china will have to wait until the children are grown. But I can work on the flowers and add some herbs and veggies to the mix. I can embellish with lace here and there. I can continue to learn about tea.

I spent most of my childhood dreaming about being Somewhere Else as Someone Else. Now, now I know what I have to work with. I'm Somewhere Else and it suits me to the ground. I don't need to be Someone Else. I just need to be Me. The Best Me. True Blue Me.

My Value is my Strength.
My Value is my Beauty.
My Value is my Authentic Self.

Comments

[sheherazahde.livejournal.com]

When I was 10 I wanted to be a Pirate, or Tarzan, or a bear, or a Gypsy fortune teller.
I wanted to dress like a pirate or a gypsy, eat big chunks of meat with my bare hands and growl at people, and do magic.

My favorite pirate was Yul Brynner as John LaFitte in "The Buccaneer". I wanted to be Capt, Jack Sparrow before he existed.