bloodsong1 | Shades of Blue

On week five of no Zoloft. I am more emotionally vulnerable. Self soothing helps, to a point.

The biggest stressor is work. New Teammate is all that I hoped for, which I'm very grateful for, but she brings a history with someone in another department. Now, I already don't trust this someone, she has loose lips. The history is Not Good and we've taken some steps. I've shielded Teammate 1's cube, we've talked to our supervisor and I've started ignoring just about everyone from that department so any drama stays out of MY department. But it is stressful.

Today after work I found a documentary called "Yoga Is; a Transformational Journey". It's on Netflix streaming if you're interested. This was about a woman who lost her mother to breast cancer, had been doing yoga before the diagnosis and traveled all over India to find peace through various styles of yoga. Krishna Das, my FAVORITE Kirtan chanter, was interviewed, as well as many yoga instructors, school founders and practitioners. I cried through most of the documentary, partly because oh gods, do I understand the grief process, and also because I felt like I was being gently scolded.

I stopped doing yoga because it was messing with the nerves that control my right hand and arm. I was developing numbness and tingling. It all went away when I stopped the yoga routines, which is another reason why I started looking at belly dancing. But the MESSAGE, the whole POINT of yoga is Enlightenment. Connecting with the Sacred, cultivating Compassion, Peace and Happiness, going through your own darkness to come to terms with it and finding your own light of Love for Self.

I haven't done that. I was working on it, and I still am, but not through yoga. I realized I was letting New Teammate's fear of a situation reprisal poison me.

Now, I don't trust Loose Lips, I've seen how she is. But that doesn't mean I need to be at New Teammate's level of Complete Ignoring. I can and Should be polite and compassionate. I can smile and return greetings. I DON'T need to trust her with intimate details of my life. I suppose I could get her side of the story, but I have a feeling it will be just as poisonous as New Teammate's fear. Loose Lips is an angry person. One of the other girls in that department is a vengeful person. Not personality types I want to cultivate friendships with. But maybe, if I cultivate Peace and Love in my department, some of that will spill over. One can always hope.