Well, well, well.

[bloodsong1]

This is a very interesting situation, LJ-Land. Very interesting indeed. Am I really that shallow? Do I honestly not think that much about anything? Or is it that what I DO think about is all very personal, because I'm trying to grok myself, and the subjects that keep coming up are subjects I'm not interested in? Or is it that I'm also brain damaged, like my mother? Or is it part and parcel of my grief, in that I'm afraid to think about anything too much, because if I do I'll start to care and then it will be taken away from me? Or is it my lack of ability to keep up with friends and loved ones who spend hours and hours educating themselves because I write and crochet instead? Or is it all of those things? Or is it none of those things?

I wonder...

Wondering has made me cranky.

I managed to get things settled with SLB. He was trying to save me time by correcting me about "What is good about Rurouni Kenshin?". I got upset over him correcting me because I was thinking about what made the series good to ME, which is where my mind goes when someone uses "good" as a defining adjective in a question. If he had given me the time to finish thinking, there wouldn't have been an argument. If I thought faster or differently, there wouldn't have been an argument. I didn't have a snap answer. I rarely have a snap answer to "What is good about..." I go for opinion first and technical details second. He wants technical details only because that's how HE thinks. Give him the facts, ma'am, that's all he wants. Just the facts, unbiased by any opinion.

SLB and Zahde are both right in one aspect. I DON'T like having to explain myself and I REALLY DON'T like being told my opinion is not an answer, so stop giving opinions when the other person wants facts. I see the Universe very subjectively. I will agree on basic facts: Gravity works, the Universe is really, really big and evolution is the best working model for how the natural world came to be. Ask me anything that has personal impact; politics, art, sociology and I'm going to be subjective. There's a lot I don't know. There's a lot I don't give a damn about. There's a lot I want to talk about but I've been intimidated by other people. There's a lot I want to talk about that no one else gives a damn about. There's a lot I've tried to talk about and was either ignored or talked over.

I have essentially given up on a lot of subjects and not bothered thinking deeply about them because it was safer. My ex husband and that ex boss are directly involved with this, as is my mother. They would demand answers to questions and then refuse to accept my answers. This is very intimidating and frustrating. If they don't want the answer I have, why do they keep asking? Do they think my answer will change if they keep harping on it? Do they want me to lie? WHAT DO THEY WANT?!? I was afraid and angry at all of them for this. Standing up to them made it worse. Being honest made it worse. I could not win, so why bother?

Since Wolf's death I've grown more backbone. I stand up to SLB when he demands answers, ride out the inevitable fight and storm away instead of flinching and cowering. However, my point of view hasn't changed all that much. Why should I bother when he won't accept my answers? He keeps saying he's trying to make me a better person, to think more deeply and learn to differentiate between fact and opinion. Why? All I have are my opinions, based on my experiences. That's all HE has, why are mine not good enough? How do his opinions become "facts" but mine stay opinions? If we both agree assertiveness is usually a good way to handle a situation, how is polite assertiveness "worse" then blunt, rude assertiveness? Why should we have the EXACT SAME perspective/observations/whathaveyou when we're so different to begin with?

Zahde is much kinder about this. She gives me the time to think more deeply when my answers don't satisfy her and if we start getting into an argument, she respects my request to stop so I don't get overemotional. This way we avoid fights but we don't satisfy her need for debate. I cannot debate. This also stems, I feel, from safety. Raised voices = anger = threat = unsafe. Correction = lack of respect = threat = unsafe. "You're wrong" = judgement = threat = unsafe. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP THIS!!!

Now I'm tired and nauseated from the adrenaline rushes and cranky and I do not feel I've accomplished much at all. I've explained this to both of them more then once and yet it keeps coming back. I'm going to go cry for a while, and then play something and listen to KUEC and drink tea. And maybe eat some chocolate if my tummy settles down.

Comments

[sheherazahde.livejournal.com]

If it helps at all "Crucial Conversations" agrees with you that most conflicts arise from people feeling threatened or disrespected. So that is normal.

The solution they recommend is to step out, make it safe and then step back in. You are an adult now. You are not in danger. (Unless you are. It depends on the situation.) One thing to keep in mind is that when your unconscious thinks you are in danger it kicks up the adrenaline and that clouds your ability to think clearly.

There could still be some communication issues. But it is hard to tell. I don't trust SLB to know the difference between and opinion and a fact. He seems to think his opinions are facts. Facts are things that are verifiable. Chocolate is made from the beans of the cocoa plant is a fact. Chocolate is delicious is an opinion.

Things like "good" and "bad" tend to be subjective and a matter of opinion. "Well made" is more technical. Facts can be independently verified. Opinions can be supported by "arguments", reasons or explanations for why one holds the opinion.

I think I'm pretty good about respecting people's opinions. If someone says "I like this" or "I don't like that" I might ask them why. I can see that getting problematic if the person says "Because it is good/bad". I would want them to support that position with evidence. Why they think it is good/bad.

I like to hear people's explanations for why they hold the opinions they do, especially if I hold a different opinion. Maybe they know something I don't. Or maybe I know something they don't.

If someone told me they didn't like chocolate because it was made out of cocaine I would probably argue with them because the basis of the opinion was false. I don't really care if other people like chocolate or not, but it would really drive me crazy if they held their opinion for a reason that was factually inaccurate. That is frequently where semantics comes in it's hard to understand what people mean if they use words differently. And you know I'm a stickler for accuracy.

Most people don't think very much or very deeply about anything and therefor they can't explain why they hold the opinions they hold. I find it very frustrating. I tend not to have opinions on things that I haven't thought about. And if someone points out that I have an unsupported opinion I turn my intellect on the problem and figure out why I believe what I do. That is why I enjoy discussing things, it helps me clarify my thoughts by exposing them to the opinions of others. Sometimes other people can see things I can't.

Am I becoming "Most People?" (^_^)

[bloodsong1.livejournal.com]

Or am I already there? (^_^)

You are respectful of outside opinions, a trait I feel SLB has not quite learned. I have learned much from you and I've leaned on you quite a bit in the last four years. I like to think the reverse is true, but I could be wrong.

It is going to take a lot of work for me to get to the point where I'm NOT feeling threatened by being challenged with questions. I don't know where to start. Talking to my counselor about it isn't always helpful, because I have the time to explain myself without the perceived threat of being challenged, so communication is very easy. Even when she's asking me hard questions about myself, I'm safe because it's all opinion and she won't judge and dismiss my answers. That's her job.

You don't dismiss my answers, but it's difficult to explain to you sometimes because you're so well read and intelligent and I'm not at your level and I know it. I sometimes feel like a student who's behind in class and is dreading being called on. This is silly and I know it, but it is there. "Why?" is my least favorite word, even when I'm using it on my kiddos to make them think about their actions. Actions, mind you. Not opinions,

Re: Am I becoming "Most People?" (^_^)

[sheherazahde.livejournal.com]

I have definitely leaned on you a lot in the past four years and I am very grateful for your support. You have provided me with a haven in very tough times.

[chezelliott.livejournal.com]

I think you might benefit from talking to Mowgli about the process of repairing childhood damage. Not in the sense of her telling you what to do, but hearing about her journey.